I hate being stuck in a rut - you want to get out of it so badly, but don’t always have the motivation to begin to figure out how. I sometimes sit here and say to myself that I want to get out of it, or even need to get out of it, yet I drown in the circles of my spinning head as I overwhelm myself with the thoughts of how. My latest rut: Figuring out what to write about in my blog. Silly problem since I am a blogger, I know.
Last week I was speaking to a colleague of mine, presumably about something work-related and the conversation somehow shifted to my blog topic problem and then to running (for those of you that hate running I promise I have a point). I told my colleague that I am a distance runner. I am not interested in the short and sweet. I enjoy the slow torture that can also be defined as marathon training. I even mentioned that I do well on courses that have some uphill (crazy, right?!? 🤪).
The reason that I do well on the uphill is because I speak to myself out loud while I am running (self-talk). I pick a point partway up the hill and I fix my eyes on it while I say things like, “You got this. We are going to the next stop sign. Ok we are here. Do you see that big tree? That’s where we are headed next. You got this. You got this…”. There is something so magical about uttering the words, “You got this” that keep my feet moving. The moment (I’m not lying, it is literally the second) that I tell myself, “I can’t”, my feet immediately go from a runners to a walkers pace and I’m done.
I have no problem saying “You got this” to myself one thousand times to keep my legs moving. The positive thoughts are what push me, not because I am bananas enough to try and run those long distances. Self-talk is one way I use to keep me moving forward, but that’s not the only thing that works for me. Let’s take a look at some other ways:
1. Break down your obstacle
I mentioned that I pick points along my course to run to, landmarks at a much shorter distance than the whole 26.2 miles. That is what ultimately keeps me chugging along for the entire duration of the marathon. This allows me to move from one small obstacle to the next instead of tackling one big hairy monster at once.
That same logic can be applied to more than just sports. If you are struggling with an issue in the workplace, try breaking down the issue into smaller chunks that do seem possible to tackle. The reality is that you do “got this”, but sometimes tackling one part at a time makes the problem that much easier to solve.
2. Don’t be afraid to ask for help
We live in a culture where it is not always easy to say, “I don’t know” or “I need help”. I’m here to tell you that “help” is just a tool in your toolbox. The idea is that you use this as a learning opportunity so you can do it (whatever “it” is) yourself in the future. You don’t know what you don’t know, so don’t ever feel dumb for raising your hand and asking for help.
When someone speaks to me in a condescending tone as a response to a question I asked, I often reply (in a sugar sweet voice), “I have different experiences than you. No one has ever taught me how to do this/what this means, so how could I know? Isn’t that how people learn, by asking questions?”. My hope is always that they realize that everyone is here to learn on this journey called life.
3. Laugh it off
You are going to run into obstacles. You are going to screw up. If we dwell on our failures we allow the cloud of doom to impede our progress. Allow yourself to laugh at the situation and say, “Well, that didn’t go as planned.”. And then you pivot. Get back on your horse, learn from your failures and move on.
4. Talk it out
Have you ever told someone that you are struggling with something and when you talk through what your solution was you ultimately come up with the right answer yourself? I have found that the simple act of voicing where you are stuck forces the ideation process and allows you to see where you need to change your approach.
I personally try and talk things through with people who are far removed from the situation. Why? I’d like to come back to what I said in Point #2, “I have different experiences than you.” This is so amazing because this means people have a different perspective of a problem than I do. Guess what that also means? They probably have an idea or two of how they might solve it, which could ultimately lead you steps closer to your final solution. Please please please don’t suffer in silence when you could be working toward your next big obstacle!
That last point is ultimately how I ended up with this topic for my blog post - I talked it out. I don’t know if I am too exhausted at the end of the day or if my creative side has taken a hit since kid #2. What I do know is that for the past few weeks I keep telling my husband, “I can’t think of any topics for a blog post.” I’ve been so focused on “not being able to find a topic” that my momentum stopped. It’s a little ironic that the moment I tell my colleague of this problem and we shift the conversation to mechanisms I use to get my ass up a hill while running that she says to me, “I think you have found a topic for your blog.” 😉 So I choose to laugh at the irony and continue my journey.
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]]>Our little boys have changed our world in so many ways and as we continue to dance to the beat of our own drum, I can comfortably say that it has been a disheartening journey at times. I probably give off the impression that I just don’t give a crap what other people think, but I am here to tell you that your words matter. To this day, I still have people who look at me with a slight disgust and ask, “But Danny still has a job, right?”. Other people ask, “You actually trust your husband to raise your kids?”. Others comment that I will never be able to sell all my books or even ask, “Why would you write a book about that?”. I am absolutely exhausted from these comments. They even weigh me down at times enough to impede my progress.
I ultimately believe we are on this journey to help bring about some form of change. When I feel frustrated it helps to go back to the beginning to remind myself why I am here (luckily I have blog posts to refer back to 😉 ). I wanted to be the change I want to see. I wanted to set the example that women can have both a family and a fulfilling career. I wanted equality in the workplace for people of all genders, races, religions, and sexual preferences. It took years of me telling myself that I want to help women in the workplace for me to find something that I believed in and was passionate enough to pursue - But I did it, which is why it can be crushing to hear any of the above questions/comments.
I’m not going to use this blog to tell you 3-5 things that I do to help me out of these ruts. Instead I want to tell you about a conversation that I had with a friend the other day. I told her, “When people choose to put me down for making a good decision for our family, then I have to ask what is going on in their lives. What are they struggling with? Why does it make them feel better to put me down?”. Her response was, “You know what is so bonkers? We, as a society, highly prize those without standard lives: celebrities, presidents, athletes, historical heroes, etc. Yet the minute anyone starts doing anything “out-of-the-norm” people lose their shit.”. She’s right.
We are quick to do anything to support a celebrity – purchasing a product from any one of the Kardashian’s brands (KKW Beauty and Fragrance, SKIMS, etc.) or a children’s book by Joanna Gains or Kristen Bell. I have to ask: Why do we struggle to support a friend or acquaintance who is trying to step out of their own box and seek success in a new area? Why do we question their choices or, even worse, put them down? These celebrities that I refer to woke up one day and decided they had a passion for something other than reality tv/construction/acting. These individuals do not have chemistry, fashion, or literature degrees, and yet we graciously support their new business ventures or lifestyle choices without question.
I don't have an answer to the above questions so I will close with this: For any one of you who is trying to step outside of your comfort zone to achieve a new goal, I implore you to get rid of the negativity in your life. You have to do what is right for you! I guarantee you will achieve your goals that much quicker if you fill your life with positive people who lift you up. Don’t let other people and their unhappiness stop you from achieving your dreams. Squash that negativity as you soar to high heights. 🦅
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]]>A friend of mine said yesterday, “Being honest is kind.”. I love that statement, mostly because I am at a point in my life where I want friends to be honest if they can’t attend a concert because tickets are out of their budget, or they need to prioritize family time instead of hanging out with me, or what I am asking them to do sounds miserable to them (like helping me paint my home interior - volunteers welcome!). But this statement doesn’t just hold true in my personal life, I also value honesty in the workplace.
Honesty can often be interpreted as being mean, I assume because we view people as being “too direct” or we are being told things we don’t want to hear. Whether we are discussing company feedback, peer interactions, or project performance, how can we expect anyone to grow if we never give or receive honest feedback?
I have this one scenario that keeps popping into my head as I write this. It’s about a series of interactions with a colleague that I did not enjoy. What sticks out most to me about that past relationship was simply: I forgot I had a voice. I failed to remember that I, too, have needs on a given project and sometimes cannot show up as my best self when those needs aren’t being met. Let’s take a look:
The Scenario
I worked with a guy (let’s call him Freddie), who was really good at his job, I mean great. He was phenomenal with clients, great at connecting dots, big personality - and I hated (strong word, but true) working with him. Why? He commandeered any meeting even if it wasn’t his, because he always had an agenda. He was great at multitasking during meetings (while on video), which I found to be super distracting. He often worked during team trainings because he didn’t feel he had anything more to learn. He was booked 3 meetings wide all day and would drop calls halfway through to get on another (again, distracting, and also does not show the client that we are prioritizing them). But he was great at what he did and the company valued him so I felt compelled to allow the behaviors to continue - even if it frustrated me.
I’ll be honest and say that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with this person (professionally). While he was great at what he did, I hated how uncomfortable I felt in meetings with him. I would get frustrated that I allowed myself to be so submissive in these instances. I am angry that I didn’t use my voice to stand up to him. I did not do anyone any favors by letting my frustrations grow over time. I keep telling myself, "How could he have helped meet those needs if I never told him what they were?”. Being honest with him could have been the best thing for our relationship and the company.
Today I want to use this blog post to talk through how I might follow the advice of my friend to be honest (with myself, my boss, my colleague) if I found myself in a similar situation today. Let’s take a look.
1. Talk to your boss.
There may come a point where you get asked to work with someone you do not get along with. Directly stating, “I don’t like him.” or “I don’t want to work with them.”, is most certainly the honest way to go about things, but it’s not the most professional. There are ways to say the exact same thing but in a more professional tone.
For example, I might say something like, “I find that in certain situations our working styles and personalities clash. As a result, there are times where I don’t feel like I am showing up as my best self to work. I don’t like the feeling of not being able to bring 100% in front of the client. If our goal is to grow the business, I’m not certain that we are the right team for this topic/project/client. Is there an opportunity to discuss what constellation of people might be best suited for this team?”
2. Talk to them directly
Your boss may respond to your request with something like, “I’m wondering what great things the two of you could accomplish if you learned to work through your differences.” In that scenario it is important that you step outside of your comfort zone and talk to the individual directly about what you need from the working relationship so that you don’t dread waking up for work every day. My advice is to level set, talk through the experience from your perspective, and then clarify how you will work together moving forward. Why do I say that?
When I do feedback talks I always think it is important to first get my employee’s input on how they believe they performed because this helps me gauge if there is a gap in how we view a certain situation / work performance. I then talk through the disconnect (or not) from my perspective and folllow it up with my expectations moving forward. Here’s what that could look like in this scenario:
“Hi Freddie! It looks like we get to work together again. I’d love to take some time to get your feedback on how you believe we worked together in the past. I want to make sure we are putting our best foot forward on the project, so I would appreciate any thoughts you have on what went well/what could be improved from our past working relationship. Was there anything you thought I did well and areas where you would wish to see improvement?” Listen. Reflect. Respond.
Your can follow it up by detailing out what you value about that person and then including what you need in order for the two of you to be successful. Is it that they don’t attend client meetings if they can’t stay the entire duration? Is it that they go off video if they are working on other things when on a client call? Is it that they actively work on not interrupting others in meetings? Whatever the ask, please be honest with them about your needs, because I guarantee you will still be kicking yourself years later for not finding your voice.
3. Break down barriers
People are the way they are because of the experiences they had in their life. When we don’t enjoy working with someone it is easy to pick apart their faults instead of trying to find the good. I once had an employee who I struggled to work with and, through getting to know him, found out that his brother had committed suicide a couple years prior. His life revolved around supporting his sister-in-law, as well as his niece and nephew. Getting to a point where he could open up to me like that really changed the dynamic of our relationship. After that conversation, I approached him with a little more compassion knowing how much he had on his plate.
While every individual may not being going through something to this magnitude, getting to know your colleagues personally helps break down barriers. And who knows? You might even have something in common 😉.
As I close, I want to remind you that you can’t be honest with other people if you aren’t first honest with yourself. Honesty comes in all shapes sizes and I know it can be excruciating to find the words to tell someone how you feel. I truly believe that we are being our kindest selves when we are honest with our feelings and able to express them to others. Cathartic is probably the best adjective to describe the situation afterwards, which is why I want to encourage you to take some time today to really hone in on what you are struggling with and figure out how you can work through those topics by finding your voice to address them. And remember: Being honest isn’t mean, it’s kind.
If you enjoy my blogs, please consider purchasing a children’s book to give back to working mamas: Freckle Faced Gus.
]]>I am certain every company does their best to try and offer the best onboarding experience possible, but sometimes things get left undone. This is where I find it so helpful to ask a few pertinent questions during the first week on the job. Remember: You don’t get what you don’t ask for.
Let‘s take a look at five things to ask:
1. Are there any onboarding trainings I need to take?
The first weeks at a new job tend to be relatively slow. It is actually the perfect time to get up-to-speed on company how-to’s by completing the company trainings that will help prepare you for your role. You might also ask if there is a specific onboarding training/document for your team. These also help fill some downtime you might have. If anything, it is always good to be proactive and get them done early. 🙌🏻
2. Do you recommend I meet with certain colleagues to learn more about our team and the company? If so, who?
One of the things I love to do is send out an email to my current team to let them know we have a new hire. I ask them to set up a 15 minute coffee chat with our newbie to discuss their personal role and how it fits into the larger project/team. This gives the newbie a chance to meet friendly faces on the team and start to piece the puzzle together or how the team is comprised.
I don’t believe it stops with their current team members, so I also instruct the newbie to reach out to specific colleagues in the extended organization. The reason for this? It helps them understand the broader organization, meet new colleagues, and make connections that could make them more successful on their project.
Guess what? Not every manager will be proactive about this. That‘s why I would encourage you to ask your boss if there are certain colleagues you should meet with to learn more about the team/company. Just try it - it never hurts to make a work friend. 🙃
3. Does the company have a formal mentor program?
When you first join an organization, the entire experience can seem relatively daunting. Some organizations setup a formal Mentor Program to help employees get acclimated to the workplace, set them up for success within the organization, have someone guide you along your career path, as well as create a safe environment for you to address both personal and professional topics. Whether your organization has a formal program or not, it is crucial that a mentor and mentee have a good working relationship. You need a mentor that you can trust, someone who will help elevate your career, as well as call you out on your shit.
What’s the best way to find out about a mentor program? Just ask 😉
4. What does the standing meeting landscape look like for my role?
My current role has the following standing meetings (and a bajillion one-offs): 5 weekly, 3 bi-weekly, 1 monthly, 2 quarterly
You can see how maybe a standing meeting or two might slip through the cracks and not get forwarded to you. It takes very little effort to recap to your manager which standing meetings you have on the calendar and ask if there is anything missing you need to attend.
5. How often will performance/feedback reviews take place in the first year?
My motto is: direct, real-time feedback is always best. However there are advantages to doing things like a 30-60-90 day review with a new hire. It offers the newbie an opportunity to reflect on their performance (<— helps you set a baseline for how well they believe they are doing!!) and gives you a more formal opportunity to think through their successes and any areas of improvement.
Feedback is important. It is s as mechanism to help ourselves grow. Since not everyone willingly offers up regular feedback, what is the best way to get it? Just ask 😉
I refer back to my previous statement in the second paragraph: You don’t get what you don’t ask for. These questions above are so simple, yet so many are embarrassed to ask them. I want you to start off on a good foot at this new company of yours, and I hope these questions will help set you up for success.
As always, if you are looking to give back to working mamas, please purchase one of our children’s books: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
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Let me show you why.
You know how to be a friend
There’s nothing worse than a friend who sits there in complete silence while you passionately rant about a given topic, or another who tries to solve the problem for you. I often find, the quieter someone is, the angrier I get. Or, the less they let me talk, the more infuriated I am. When we ask this simple question to our friends or colleagues, we know how they want us to show up for them: You are then able to respond to what they need in their moment of frustration.
This brings me back to what hat we need to wear, e.g. The Solidarity Hat or Devil’s Advocate Hat. If you know going into the conversation what is expected of you, then you know whether or not you are meant to be a sounding board, punching bag, or cheerleader. That, in turn, allows you to show up for your friend in a manner that is befitting of their needs.
It’s healthy to let your feelings out
Bottling your feelings up is never the solution. I always think, if you don’t let it out now then it will come out later looking like a big hairy monster. Those might be good in Monsters Inc., but not when we are building healthy relationships.
Being the good friend/colleague that you are, you might need to help them get all of their feelings out, which is where you have the opportunity to ask questions like, “What about this interaction frustrates you so much?” or “What would you have envisioned the outcome/reaction/interaction/etc. to be?”. You are not going to change the fact that they need to vent, so why not help them release all of their frustrations so that they can move forward?
You don’t need to solve every problem
Whenever I vent to my husband he often tries to figure out why someone did whatever it was that is pissing me off. He tries to get into their head and explain to me why the situation happened. Then he moves into solution mode so that I no longer have anything to vent about.
But guess what? Sometimes I need to yell. Sometimes I want to beat a punching bag. Sometimes people are really frustrating and I just want someone to validate my feelings, not solve my problems because I can do that myself. If I can‘t, I‘ll know where to find you and what to ask for. By asking what it is that I need, we can connect as a couple instead of me leaving the conversation more infuriated than I was at the start.
I want our interactions with others to be fruitful, and that can only happen when we meet the other person where they are. Close your eyes and imagine how refreshing it would be for someone to stop you dead in your tracks and ask you what you need, as opposed to just deciding for themselves — probably much like sipping a cold lemonade on a hot summer day. If we remind ourselves that each situation, interaction, and person is different, then we can see each interaction as an opportunity to grow in our relationships with other and we are able to take a more dynamic approach to helping our people solve their problems.
As always, part of our profits go back to working mamas. You can help support our cause by purchasing our children‘s book: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
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"How are you?" - It's such a simple question. Catch me on a good day and you will probably get the typical American response, "fine" or "good". Catch me on a bad day and you might hear, "What do you mean?" or "I don't understand the question.". I will probably start shifting anxiously in my chair. In my head I will be frantically asking myself, "Do they mean personally or professionally?" or "Do I tell the truth or bottle up everything inside?". On those days, the question itself could warrant a bucket filled with crocodile tears and more of an answer than you bargained for. But it's not about the words themselves, it's about how they hit your heart at a given moment.
Why am I talking about this? I was speaking to a group of people the other night and they told me that they hated it when their bosses asked them, "How are you?". That's weird, right? I decided to dig a little further... It's because it requires either too superficial or too personal of a response. If it's the former, it is a cultural nicety that seems like a waste of time. If it is the latter, the explanation was that no one wants to cry at work - and if there is something going on in our personal lives, that outcome might be inevitable. Employees don't necessarily want that.
I'm giving you the problem (which you know I hate to focus on), so I also asked the same group of individuals what they would like to hear instead. Let's take a look:
On a scale from 1 to 10
One of the individuals told me that they once had a boss who would start a 1:1 with the following question: "On a scale from 1 to 10, tell me how you are doing, but you can't use the number 7." Apparently seven is the number equivalent of "fine" or "good". The boss removed the number 7 so that he/she had a more accurate representation of how the individual was doing. If it was an 8 or higher, that was positive. If it was a 6 or below, the boss knew to dig further.
I'll be honest and say that this particular solution isn't my style, but if data is what you are after, I say, have at it. The next one feels more natural to me.
Reference something specific
Did you find out in your last meeting that your employee is selling their house? Did they celebrate their dad's 70th birthday? Did they attend a funeral or have a reunion with their estranged family member? Are they struggling to pull slides together for a big presentation? Talk to specific things they divulged in a previous 1:1.
This can look something like, "Tell me how your son's birthday party was! I imagine you spent most of the weekend prepping for it. Were you able to enjoy it?" or "I know you have been a little frustrated with the preparations for Friday's presentation. How is that coming along? How can I help set you up for success?".
You might think it sounds silly but taking notes and referring to things they said in a previous meeting shows your employees that you are listening to them. This, in turn, makes them feel valued and even shows them that you care. This feels most natural to me, but the next one is definitely something that I would gladly incorporate on occasion.
What’s the weather like?
I laughed so hard the first time I heard a boss ask me this. It was right after we had gone through the umpteenth round of proposal preparations and pitches to a client - disheartened might be a good word to describe the team at this point. We got on the phone to debrief after our client call when we heard, “So what’s the weather like where everyone is at?”. He was most certainly not referring to the actual weather, he meant our moods. I can tell you one thing: It brought a smile (if not laughter) to everyone’s faces and then we went around the [virtual] room describing our moods with weather patterns.
When you feel like your team is in a rut it is always a good idea to shake things up. It was a silly exercise to hear how people were doing without them having to be explicit. I think if I catch myself in a similar situation one day, I will pull out the weather card. Why? Stormy and chilly weather is snow laughing matter.
Pick up on social cues
Is your colleague more reserved today? Less bubbly? Guarded? Overly energetic? Grinning from ear to ear? Whatever you might be seeing, if you pick up on it, say something. This could sound like, "I'm noticing you seem very energetic today. Your happiness is contagious. Is there something exciting happening in your life?" or "You are very quiet today, which is out of character for you. Is something going on? You don't need to feel obligated to share but know this is a safe space if you want to talk."
Your colleagues may not want to talk about whatever is on their mind, so you will need to respect that. Simply asking those types of questions shows them that you care. If they are going through a rough time, it can make them feel like they aren't alone (even if they don't want to talk).
At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself what you are trying to achieve by asking that oh-so-simple question. Whatever the reason, I want to remind you that the question itself can warrant a superficial or overly personal response, and as humans we need to be prepared to receive either.
To all people everywhere: My goal here is not to remove the sentence, "How are you?", from your daily interactions, so please do not misinterpret this blog. I do strive to give you the tools you need to try a different approach if you feel like you are not connecting with your people.
We all can use some silly things to change up our day-to-day routine. That is why I authored the cutest children's book and first book about A Stay-at-Home Dad? Go and grab your copy today!
I was sooo excited to start my first job. I grinned like a teenager in love as I woke up for work an hour before my alarm went off and, of course, made sure I was there approx. two hours before anyone else…… every single day. I attended meetings and drank corporate coffee and ate the free fruit on Tuesday’s and had a team to work with. It was better than anything I could have ever imagined. I felt like I was on cloud nine. (Right now you might be thinking to yourself, “Oh my gosh, who is this woman? Had you known me in school, I would have compared myself to Hermione Granger. Maybe that helps.) When I received my first weekly invite for a 1:1 with my boss, I didn’t know what to do. Internally I was freaking out (in a good way!), but simultaneously had no idea what I would say. Unfortunately, the anticipation was for nothing because my boss never showed up to the meeting.
Week after week I would head into the conference room with a prepared list of things to talk about, but no one to speak to. With each week my frustrations grew and I started to feel like I wasn’t valued. I felt as if my boss had enough time to hang with the guys at lunch, after which he would lackadaisically meander back into the office to partake in meetings with the team, but he didn’t have time for an employee who was supposed to be building one of his departments. In a 13 person company you’d like to think the boss has enough time for every employee, so I vented to a colleague. His response? “He is the head of the company, he probably has more important things to do.” Ouch!
If you have read all of my blogs you will probably find the following sentences in half of them: Everyone wants to feel like they are a part of something. Everyone wants to feel like they belong. I can most certainly tell you that I often asked myself the question, “Why am I even here? If my boss doesn’t care enough about the work I’m doing to attend our 1:1, move the meeting to a better time slot, or even cancel the meeting so I am not wasting my time sitting in a conference room when I could be working, then why am I here?”.
I’ve tried to think about how I would manage that boss today, after 15 years of work experience. Here is what I came up with:
He/She probably doesn’t even know
Think about it like this: Do you have a friend whose house is super dirty but they don’t clean it because they don’t see the dirt they are living in? Like your filthy friend, your boss might simply not realize that 1) you need their support and 2) they need to make time for you. Some bosses really are that busy. I am most certainly not trying to justify why your boss is/isn’t doing what they should be, i.e. properly managing their employees. I am trying to tell you that you may need to explicitly tell them where they are falling short. Put it on their radar.
Here’s how I would handle it: “I’ve noticed that you keep getting pulled in different directions on these projects. I’m trying to be conscious of your time, but as we get deeper into this project there are going to be a few things that I need your input on. I would really like to get a regular meeting cadence on your calendar so that we can discuss my questions and talk through any concerns I have. My suggestion is to setup a 1:1 with you every other week. This will allow our interactions to be more structured. I can collect my questions and address them in one session as opposed to having to run to you every time something comes up.”
I find that by recognizing and addressing the immense stress a person is under and telling them that you want to remove some of that pressure by structuring your time with them, they are more amenable to the discussion of adding another meeting to their calendar. You can always cancel if there is nothing talk about.
Take the initiative
Even if you don’t have the immediate need to meet with your boss, it is still good practice to meet with them on a regular basis so they are up-to-speed on your project and anything else you have going on. If you don’t already have a 1:1 on the calendar, I would encourage you to take the initiative to put a meeting on your boss’s calendar for every other week. Make sure your title is clear (e.g. Brittany/Jack Bi-Weekly 1:1) and define an agenda. This could be as simple as:
- Status of current project deliverables
- Project wins/struggles
- Professional growth opportunities
- Walk-in items
I find that setting a more general agenda for the meeting series will allow you to recall topics you need to discuss on-the-fly (i.e. when you haven’t had a chance to prepare). It is also just good business practice to have a defined meeting subject and agenda. If you don’t tell people what they are there to talk about, how will they know 1) why they need to prioritize your meeting and 2) how they can prepare. Think about it.
It’s urgent
When I have something extremely urgent I need to discuss, I do not wait for my designated weekly 1:1 time slot. Depending on the topic I either call my boss directly or send a message to him on Microsoft Teams. That message could look something like this: “Hi Jack, There is an issue that could impact the launch of our new software. The team and I have deemed this issue a showstopper. I need to talk through our recommended path forward with you. When do you have time to meet this morning?”.
What do I love about this?
1) You are giving them a high level overview of the problem (skip the details until you talk!).
2) You are communicating what you and the rest of the team need.
3) You are planning to come with solutions to the problem, and not just the problem itself.
4) You are giving a timeframe of when you need to speak with them.
I have had a boss or two tell me that they do not have time. Here is what I say in those instances, “I need you to please make this a priority.” or “Is there someone you can delegate to approve our solution on your behalf?”. At the end of the day, your boss has to trust that you are pulling them away from their priorities for something that truly matters. My recommendation: Only cry wolf if you need to.
Find a mentor
There may come a point where you recognize that you won’t get what you need from your direct manager. It’s a tough realization to come to, but that doesn’t mean all hope is lost. In these scenarios, I encourage you to get the feedback that you need by finding a mentor.
Some organizations setup a formal Mentor Program to help employees get acclimated to the workplace, set them up for success within the organization, have someone guide you along your career path, as well as create a safe environment for you to address both personal and professional topics. Whether your organization has a formal program or not, it is crucial that a mentor and mentee have a good working relationship. You need a mentor that you can trust, someone who will help elevate your career, as well as call you out on your shit.
Some companies do not have a formal program and, in those cases, it is important to first get to know an individual before you approach someone and ask them to be your mentor. I talk about finding someone within the workplace, but another great option is to reach out to a connection within a similar industry (e.g. via university alumni programs). Have a clear idea of what your expectations are and what you hope to gain from the relationship.
Whether it is getting the advice you need to make good decisions or coaching to make you a better business man/woman, you need the input of more experienced individuals to grow personally, as well as take your career to the next level. If you are struggling to get the attention of your boss, always remember there are other places to look both inside and out of your organization. No true leader would ever ask you to settle for what you’ve got (given you have an absent boss), because it could potentially cost you advancement opportunities for your career. Take the initiative to get what you need!
If you are unable to manage up and can’t find a good mentor, you can always read more about being a stay-at-home dad. 😉
]]>I have been struggling these past few weeks. I’m back in the office part time and enjoying the workplace banter, having to get dressed a few times a week (more than just my top half 😉), and being able to personally interact with my colleagues. Don’t get me wrong, I love being at home with my boys but there is something so important about being able to connect with people in person, something Microsoft Teams / Zoom just can’t bring to the table - and yet, I hear grumbles across many organizations because companies are asking their employees to come into their place of work a few days a week. So why am I struggling?
I am struggling because I see our past and what the entire world went through (is going through). I see how so many people so badly want to go “back to normal”, but I realize that applies to everything but the workplace. We want mask mandates to be lifted and people to get their vaccines and restaurant capacity restrictions to be loosened and people to be able to gather (not in fear), and, and, and… But what we don’t want is for the people who are paying us to tell us that they want our undivided attention while we are doing our job. I get it, believe me, I get it. I can play both sides of this equation.
As I sit here and think about our employees and what it means for them to go back to work, three things come to mind:
1. Hybrid isn’t always better
I have a few friends whose companies allow employees to choose which days they come into the office, but they have to come in two days a week. This means each individual can choose whatever days suit them in any given week. Now, this might sound convenient (and it is at the individual level!); however, it leaves employees sitting at their desks on conference calls cursing the Executive Leadership Team. Why? They could be doing the same damn thing from the comfort of their home, without having to commute, pay for gas, or waste 45 minutes doing their hair. Ok, the hair thing might be an exaggeration.
My point here is: Are we going hybrid and allowing people to choose their office days to appear flexible? If it means we aren’t connecting in person and sitting at our desks for 8 hours on conference calls, I, too, ask you what the purpose is of going back to the office. For a hybrid model to be successful, we need to be intentional about why we are asking individuals to return to work. If the answer is camaraderie and collaboration, I ask how you expect that to happen if no one is booking conference rooms and everyone has to sit on Teams because half of the required people chose not to come in that day.
I do truly believe there can be some success to a hybrid model if done properly. If I was a manger in this type of environment, I might work with my team to set an expectation for which days to be in the office so that we can maximize our time together and grow as the entire world adjusts to the ever changing environment. We really are all in this together, so why not find a model that works for you and your team directly?
2. Vaccine and masks mandates - still a controversial topic
I have seen organizations part ways from employees who refused to get a vaccine. I have seen companies require all employees to wear masks regardless of vaccination status. I have seen some hybrid version - testing and mask requirements for non-vaxers, nothing for individuals who have been vaccinated. I have seen friends part ways. I have seen people bash others on social media. At the end of the day, I have to believe every company is trying to do what is best for them and their people, but can I just say that this whole thing sucks? Every version of this just leaves us judging our colleagues for whatever path they chose.
For those of you that weren’t vaccinated, do you feel like you are walking around with a giant sign on your face that says, “I probably have the plague, please stay away.”? I have to imagine that you think it is a little silly that you have to get tested and wear a mask even when you have proof you don’t have COVID. Are you looking at your vaccinated colleagues like, “ugh they probably have it, don’t know it, and are giving it to the world.”. Maybe you can take that plague sign off your face and tape it to their back. 😉
For those of you who were vaccinated, are you scared of your non-vaxed colleagues? Do you roll your eyes at their ignorance? Do you feel invincible? I’m pretty sure superhero status starts when you are both vaccinated and have been COVID positive. I think I’m going to start investing in some capes. 🦸♀️
My point here is: We are struggling to maneuver this back-to-work life, and now we are adding a whole new level of divide within our organizations because of an individual’s vaccination status. The election divided us, the pandemic divided us, and I can feel the topic of vaccines being wedged into the workplace. Where does it end? I don’t have an answer for this one, just hoping to provide some food for thought.
3. Not everyone was productive at home
These past two and a half years at home were priceless - I got to see my littles go through so many of their milestones. Sitting in my home office hearing my boys drive their little Jeep’s around the house and ram them into my office door as they giggle is something that I personally don’t want to trade for anything. I can also get things done (i.e. dishes, laundry) that would otherwise pile up if I had to go into the office everyday.
While I know that I can complete my work remotely, as a manager I know this does not hold true for everyone. I know many are asking themselves, “If we were able to be successful throughout the pandemic, why can’t we simply keep this model moving forward?”. The problem is: You don’t know that everyone has been successful. Some people have simply flown under the radar and done the bare minimum to stay employed. Some watch TV or run a daycare while they are “working” from home. I get why employers want us back in the office, but I also understand why it feels like an inconvenience for you. I just ask that you take a step back and look at this from an employer’s perspective as well.
As a manager I will tell you that everyone has to know their boundaries and find a way to communicate them. If your boundary happens to be that you cannot work onsite, I encourage you to see if your company is willing to make a case-by-case exception. If you are trying to find happiness, now may be the best time in the job market to find a place where you fit in and are the most valued. And, hey, if all else fails you can read about what being A Stay-at-Home Dad? is like. 😉
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The truth is that we rarely see feedback for what it is: a subjective representation of what happened, followed by insights on what went well and what needed to improve. Why? There are not many people in this world that know how to give constructive feedback. Their execution is either too harsh or so wrapped up in fluff the person on the receiving end has no clue how they should improve. This leaves it to us to find a way to get what not everyone will just hand out.
So how can we get that much needed information if people aren’t handing it out like candy? Let’s take a look:
In every situation, reflect.
First and foremost, before anyone can give you feedback you need to have a general understanding of how you believe you performed in a given situation. Did you prepare for weeks beforehand but bomb the day of? Were you able to think so quickly on your feet that you rocked a client meeting? Did you appear disheveled and have jelly down your shirt? Did you stutter over your words? Whatever happened, reflect on it and figure out how you want to do better next time. But don’t just reflect on the bad things, also think about what went well. I don’t just do it for myself, I also think about how others did. I use this as a baseline for when I receive feedback - how closely aligned are our perceptions of the situation (or not!)?
Real time is key.
Personally, I only remember specific details about a scenario if I reflect and/or talk about them soon after a situation takes place. My general rule of thumb is: Whether you are giving or receiving feedback, it should happen in real time. By “real time”, I mean the day of or the next day. Why is that important?
As an employee I do not want to find out what I did wrong six months later in my performance review. I want to know now so I can personally reflect on a specific scenario and improve. As a manager, do you really want to hold on to that piece of feedback for months until you host a formal employee review? What prevents your employee from repeating that mistake again in the time that lapses? Say the feedback and move on.
Be direct.
No, I’m not telling you to be mean. I’m telling you to be honest with yourself and direct with others. Give concrete examples of a real-life situation they were a part of and indicate your perception of the situation vs. how you believe they should have reacted/what they could change for the future. Here is an example:
Manager to employee: “Susie, you did a really great job delivering the presentation today. I thought the audience was really engaged and the verbal content was right on point. There were a few slides that seemed cluttered which took away from your speech. Let’s sit down and review those later this week so you have a better understanding of what I am talking about. I’d like you to make some adjustments over the next couple days. I think this will only help you improve for our meeting next week.”
I think that is something a good manager would say to his/her employee. A leader would encourage that person to reflect as well and might throw in something like, “I know one way I can help you is to talk through these slides. How else could I have better supported you for this meeting?”. I truly believe that we can learn as much from our employees as they can learn from us. That is a manager’s way of saying, “Here’s my feedback to you, now it’s your turn. How did I do?”. It’s such a great way for you to practice giving feedback in a comfortable setting.
Start asking for it.
What are we as humans most afraid of? The unknown. And the more something smacks us in the face, the less afraid of it we are. So what am I telling you to do? Walk up to your boss or colleague after a presentation, client meeting, etc. and ask them to debrief with you. Tell them you want to talk through what went well and what could be improved for next time. If they seem a little baffled, then you can guide the conversation. Here is an example of how you could guide the feedback session:
“I was so grateful that you had that data handy, Seth. I really appreciate how prepared you were. I think next time we need to make sure that we review that information beforehand so there are less surprises and we aren’t winging our responses. I felt very confident in the presentation itself and I got the impression the client felt the same, but I think we could have been a little more prepared for the client to ask XYZ questions. How do you think the meeting went? I’d love to hear your input on how I can improve for next time”.
I will forever tell you, “You don’t get what you don’t ask for.”. This doesn’t just pertain to salary increases or negotiations; you can apply it to anything. People typically only speak up when something goes wrong, not when it goes right. Don’t wait for something to go wrong in order to receive feedback. If you know you want to move forward in any area of your life, I encourage you to seek out the feedback yourself — because feedback isn’t scary, it’s just a big unknown. So don’t let it stop you, let it help you grow.
If you enjoy my blog, please consider purchasing our children’s book!
]]>Being different isn’t easy, but it brought about the frustrations that moved me to take action. I had just returned from maternity leave and was asked how my vacation was. I had just received a promotion and still the question, “When will you leave the workforce to stay home with your child?”, seemed to poke itself into daily conversation. My husband and I had decided that what was best for our family, was for him to stay at home and raise our boys. So often I still hear the statement, “I can’t believe you trust your husband to stay at home with your kids.”.
Do you see where my frustration was rooted? Do you see why I left so many business conversations wanting to rip the hair out of my head? But being angry, frustrated, or festering on a problem just isn’t my style. I needed a solution. I can't (and wouldn’t!) just sit around and wait for someone else to bring about change. I decided to embark on what is probably going to be a lifelong journey to ensure no woman has to hear those types of questions or statements again.
How do you show the world that women can still be great and loving mothers even though they have a successful career? How do you do that while still uplifting the women who take on the most difficult role ever, a stay-at-home mom? How do you simultaneously teach others that if a woman does not want to get married or have children that is her prerogative? How do you teach women not to use the terms “babysit” or “watch” when referring to their husbands taking care of their children for a few hours? How do you remove the gender stereotype that it has to be a woman who stays home with the children and not the man?
The answer to those questions is: I have absolutely no idea. But every single day I do my best to make an effort to support working women, to show them they can have a fulfilling career and a big whacky family at home. I strive to communicate the message that wives find their husbands so damn sexy when they are good fathers to their children. Taking care of your children should not be a chore, it is a privilege. It is not a role that should be relegated to women. I wake up each day so grateful that my two little goofballs are mine. Do they drive me bananas? Absolutely, but I love every ounce of them. So what does it matter who stays home with them as long as they are safe and loved? I argue it doesn’t.
Many of you might be cringing that I put up the face of a man while we are clearly here to celebrate women. I’m not doing this to take away from this celebration, but rather because I believe that it is the effort of men and women working together to break these biases. I know that my success as a businesswoman would not be possible without the love and support of the man in this picture. That is why I believe that we, as women, cannot bring about change alone. It will not happen if we shut men out, put them down, or pit ourselves against them. I will continue to do my best to be a successful businesswoman, loving wife, and caring mother, and I will choose to take a step each day towards supporting the many women (and men!) in my life that I am proud of. I will choose to be the change I want to see. If not me, then who?
If you enjoy my blog, please consider purchasing a children’s book to give back to working moms: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
]]>I wrote a blog post last year titled, “No girls allowed!”. It didn’t have anything to do with taking women out of the workforce. It had everything to do with understanding the impact of our words, especially in the workplace. I thought I had said my peace and put my frustrations to rest about being called cute or girl at work, and then a friend of mine told me her colleague called her dear. I came to the immediate realization that I, too, have been called dear more times than I could count, but I never thought anything of it.
I know what you’re thinking, “How can you have a problem with being called a girl or cute, but not have an immediate reaction to being called dear?”. Well, maybe I am a girl and cute and a dear.
Just kidding.
The reason I didn’t dwell on this fact was because I was being called dear by someone whose native tongue isn’t English. They didn’t grow up in the United States. They come from a completely different culture. That term, while it may not be appropriate in corporate America, may be ok where they come from. So I let it slide assuming it had no other connotation. What is the problem with that? Let me tell you:
Issue #1: First and foremost, the word dear is a term of endearment. The last time I heard that word used was when my Dad was alive. Outside of calling my mom, Kimmie Sue, he would call her dear. For me, that is a very affectionate way to address someone. Unless you are married to or dating someone at work, I don’t think that word should ever be used. Even then I would argue that it is still misplaced.
Issue #2: No matter what level we are at in an organization, we have to remember we are always setting an example for others. What you call someone in front of other colleagues will have an impact. Using diminutive terms (i.e. cute, girls, dear), especially in the workplace, undermines the authority of the person in question. If we [actually] want to push for equality in the workplace, then please always remember it is ok to address the individual in question. I just ask that you do it in a professional manner.
How to handle:
1. Give them the benefit of the doubt
Before you run to HR (of course the term used and entire situation will dictate whether or not you do this), I encourage you to give them the benefit of the doubt. I know you are frustrated. I know you think, “They should know better.”. You’re right, they should know better. Take a deep breath and think about this: Most individuals have never thought of the repercussions of using terms, such as "girls" or "dear" or “cute” at work. In fact, you’d be surprised how little people think about what they say.
2. Be direct
There is no need to sugarcoat what you are going to say in this scenario. If you feel offended by a term you are being called, you need to make certain the words are fully understood by the person hearing them. That might not happen if they come packaged in a big beautiful ball of fluff.
My suggested approach to this:
Wait until you are calm enough to speak rationally with the person in question. Say something like, “I recently noticed that you refer to me as dear when we are speaking. Where I come from this is very much a term of affection and is inappropriate for the workplace. I know that we both come from two different cultures, so I have to assume that this term might mean something different where you come from. Being called dear at work makes me rather uncomfortable, so I wanted to address this directly and ask that you refer to me by my first name instead.”
Like I said, just be honest. You are offended. It is inappropriate and you want them to stop. That’s it. If you ask them and they don’t stop, then there is another discussion that needs to happen (preferably with someone else present).
3. Change your ways
I’ll keep this one short and sweet: When referring to anyone by anything other than their name, always think first about what type of impact it could have. Rule of thumb here: If you wouldn't want the term used on yourself, don't use it for others.
That’s it. That’s the rule.
Words shape our thinking. If we are working towards a society that truly embraces differences then we need to make sure the language we are using positively impacts those around us. Like I said, what you say in the workplace does matter, but it's up to you to make a conscious effort to lift others up instead of placing them beneath you. If we want to bring about change, then we need to start right here: with ourselves. and I want to make sure that you are equipped to stand up for yourselves before you fight for others.
You’ve got this!
If you enjoy my blog, please consider purchasing a children's book to give back to working moms: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
]]>Before we get started it is important that I tell you to trust your gut in this process. If you have a bad feeling about someone, do not hire them! Likewise if you have a good feeling with someone, explore with them what a working relationship could look like. Let’s take a look at a few questions I ask myself throughout the interview process:
1. How important is their level of expertise to the position?
I ask myself this question because there are times in my professional career where I have the bandwidth to take on a more junior professional, someone who is eager to learn more. The project or team may not require another expert. This affords me extra time to help guide the junior professional and shape their career. I can spend time showing them their tasks, setting expectations, and answering their questions.
There are other times where I need loads of support. I need someone to jump in, allow me to quickly set expectations, and have them hit the ground sprinting - This depends on the project, current team dynamic, and what I already have on my plate (both professionally and personally). Distinguishing this piece of information is crucial as you move through the hiring process.
2. How closely will I be working with the individual (and they with my team)?
If the answer to question #1 is, “I need them to be a Subject Matter Expert. I have absolutely zero time to dedicate to them. I need them to rock their job. They will be a lone ranger (i.e. won’t be working directly with me or others on my team).”, then their personality and ability to positively contribute to your company culture are low priority. I would always encourage you to find a candidate you can connect with on some level, but if there is a low level of interaction then it isn’t completely necessary.
If the answer to question #1 is, “We will be working closely together. Our team is tight knit and I don’t want to damage the culture we have built.”, then you need to be able to stand them. In fact, you need to be able to do more than that, you should probably feel a strong connection to them. I’m not telling you to become BFFs (I would tend to advise against that). Think: Could I travel with them? Do I respect them? Are they knowledgeable in their field? How can they positively contribute to our team? Will I be happy with the way they present themselves in front of a client?
3. What are my concessions? What are my requirements?
Every job posting has a list of skillsets required to complete the job. I view this as a wishlist. I can’t tell you how many times I have applied to a job where I met 100% of the requirements and, before even meeting me, I received an email stating that I do not meet the qualifications required for the position. I have to assume the hiring manager already found their golden candidate and/or they had an idea in their heads of what perfect was to them - and that wasn’t me ;).
I’m here to tell you that perfect on paper is not always perfect. That’s why I think it is so important to be honest with yourself in what is truly a requirement in the role for which you are hiring. You may find someone with a personality of gold who only meets half of the requirements - Their desire to learn, coupled with their belief in the product ultimately move you to hire them instead of the subject matter expert who was just looking to change companies to make more money.
I have always believed that interviewing is an art form, a way to design your own team. The questions I am asking you here are obviously not questions that you would ask in an interview, they are questions you need to ask yourself throughout the entire process as you vet candidates. So as you set out on a mission to hire the best person for your team, remember to trust yourself. After all, you are in this role for a reason.
If you enjoy my blog, please consider purchasing a children’s book to give back to working moms: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
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Towards the end of my call I came off mute to give my perspective and then immediately went back on mute. As soon as I hit the mute button, I heard a loud fart and Gus screamed with excitement, “I tooted, Mama! I tooted!”. My face turned a deep shade of crimson and my heart stopped as I thought to myself, “Oh my goodness, am I really on mute?”. I probably looked at that button 14 times before I was fully convinced that no one on the call had heard him.
You might be thinking to yourself, “He is a toddler, who cares?”. But think of the many situations where you might have experienced that heart pounding sensation thinking you accidentally sent a message to the wrong person or said something (while on mute) on a conference call and needed to double check your tracks.
I’m writing this blog post because of the many situations I have witnessed where I cringed thinking, “They must know they are not on mute.”. I wish I could go into detail about the time I heard a man pee while on a conference call or the many times I have heard someone sit on a call in their cubicle and speak to a colleague about how “stupid” the call is, complain about their boss, scream at their children, or exclaim that they would not be completing a specific deliverable. I also wish I could have witnessed the story I recently heard about a woman who had a virtual meeting with the C-Suite and, when her presentation was over, she called her veterinarian to make an appointment for her dog’s vaginal discharge - only she forgot to hit the mute button.
It is funny to hear about though. I mean, I am literally writing you a story about these real life happenings. So as we sit here and laugh, I am certain you do not want to be the one who forgot to hit that button. Even if you did hit that beautiful button, there are some inexplicable times where your computer or phone says F*** you! and magically takes you off mute. So I have devised a very simple process for you to follow:
If you…
1. Have to go to the bathroom
2. Need to blow your nose
3. Need to make a phone call
4. Want to complain about a coworker to your spouse
5. Do anything unrelated to the conference call you are on
Then…
1. Put your computer on mute
2. Write “BRB” in the chat
3. Walk far, far away
4. Do not take your meeting (i.e. phone or computer) with you
5. But seriously, do not take your meeting with you
If you ever listen to one thing that I say, let it be this. Why? Because these are the types of situations where you will magically come off mute. I think I speak for everyone when I say, we do not want to listen to you blow your nose or go to the bathroom or make a doctor’s appointment or listen to your complaints. Funny as it might be to hear similar stories, I have your best interests at heart when I say this. So just listen, ok?
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If you enjoy these blogs, please consider giving back to working moms by purchasing an awesome children’s book A Stay-at-Home Dad?
]]>Any manager will tell you that they often have to ask employees to do things they don’t want to do. Some employees will begrudgingly perform the task and others will outright defy the request - this is where connection capital might come in handy. I’m not talking about giving our employees 15 minutes a day to let them do whatever they want. I’m talking about setting up a weekly 1:1 with them, being involved in their professional lives (without micromanaging!), helping guide them down a path that will make them the best professional they can be and, if the relationship allows, gaining insight into their personal lives.
You might be cringing about that last point thinking to yourself, “My personal life is none of my boss’s business.” And you’re right. But guess what? Our personal lives impact our performance in our professional lives. When we build this connection capital, we open up the door to being able to support our employees during their time of need. We are able to anticipate, give them the necessary support and, more often than not, this brings our teams together in ways we never could have imagined.
But it’s importance is not just limited to its impact in the bad times. I often remind my readers that people want to feel a sense of belonging, they do not want to feel alone (especially when they are surrounded by thousands of people-filled cubicles). They want to feel included. You might be asking yourself how something as simple as a weekly 1:1 solves this problem. Let me show you how:
1. This provides an employee the opportunity to share what they are working on. They get to talk about their accomplishments and struggles while you gain insight into their project deliverables.
2. They can ask questions or bring new ideas to the table. Not everyone feels comfortable addressing certain topics or expressing new ideas in a group setting for fear of what others will say. This allows them to privately discuss with you.
3. It offers your employee a sacred space to talk about where they want to go inside (or outside!) the organization. Listen. Reflect. Respond to how you can help them get there. What are their assets that make them a good candidate for the role in question and what weaknesses do they need to work on (and how!) in order to achieve that goal?
4. You are a boss. You have a team. Setting up a weekly 1:1 with each team member lets them feel like they are a part of that team. It shows them that you are willing to take time to meet with them and that you care about their contributions to said team.
I have heard so many people say, “Employees don’t leave jobs, they leave [bad] managers.”. It is so important to take the time to build connection capital to encourage that sense of belonging, build a trusting relationship with their manager, show employees their deliverables matter and that they are a vital part of the organization - You’ll need this when you ask them to do a mundane task or when things in the organization get rocky. Why? They will be more likely to stick by your side to see it through.
I hope that you find as much success in this as I have, and that this connection capital improves the bond you have with your team. I truly believe that happy employees will do the best that they can to see the project and company succeed. Wishing you and your organization the utmost success!
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We believe in supporting women in the workplace, and we do it by giving part of our profits back to working moms. If you want to support our cause, head on over to A Stay-at-Home Dad? and purchase your children’s book today!
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Close your eyes and think of a time where you sat in a meeting at work trying to solve a tricky problem. My guess is, more often than not, the different departments sat around the table pointing fingers at other departments. No one could get a word in. No one listened. Everyone tried to prove they were right. It’s frustrating, isn’t it?
I follow a woman on Instagram, her name is Dr. Becky Kennedy (IG Handle: @drbeckyatgoodinside). She is a children’s psychologist and I truly believe that a lot of what she says can be applied in many situations, especially business ones. Today I want to show you how one of her lessons can be applied in the business world. Dr. Becky says that none of us will be flexible until we feel understood and respected.
Go back to that meeting (in your mind) and ask yourself the following questions: Were my colleagues listening to one another? Were they respecting one another? Were they trying to impose their beliefs on one another? Were they working together towards a solution? My guess is that it probably wasn’t a very collaborative meeting. The next time you are in a similar situation, I want you to remember a few things:
1. We can’t get to a solution if we are only pointing fingers
Each department, each person views a situation in a unique way. When we are only discussing where the problem lies instead of helping identify a solution or working to understand the various perspectives at the table, then we, too, are a part of the problem. If everyone is pointing fingers, then every one is focusing on the problem and not working towards a solution.
2. We remain in our organizational silos if we don’t work together as a team
We often forget that while we may reside in a department, it is the collection of departments together that form the company. When we point fingers, we remove ourselves from the collective organization and into individual silos. Don’t forget that you are part of one company, one team, and we should be moving towards a solution together.
3. If we are always talking, we are never listening
It’s true - you can’t listen to what I am saying if you are trying to speak over me. When you continue to speak louder than me or say things like, “Just let me make this point.”, then you are telling me (and the team) that your point is more important than mine. Stop. Take a breath. LISTEN. You will learn so much, trust me.
4. There is a reason why people believe what they believe
Like I said before, everyone views a situation in their own unique way. They have a varied set of skillsets and experiences that allow them to see things differently than you. When we engage in active listening and see others opinions as valuable instead of just an opposing viewpoint, then we can finally start to see the whole picture (the whole problem). They might be seeing something you aren’t. Stop talking, open your ears, and ask questions.
Whether you are trying to solve a problem at work, working something through with your spouse, or dealing with your child, we will never get anywhere with them if our only tactic is to shove our viewpoint down their throats. I will end this blog with a quote from Dr. Becky, “when we prioritize being connected over being right we can start working against a problem instead of seeing each other as the problem.” So the next time you are in a tricky situation like this, I encourage you to connect with the people in the room by saying, “Tell me more.” or “Can you please help me understand what about my approach worries you?”. By doing so, we show others that we respect our colleagues, work to understand their viewpoints, and are flexible enough to work together to solve a problem. (Bonus: If you’re a manager think about how valuable of an example you will be setting for your employees.)
I hope you enjoyed this blog! Part of what makes this possible is the sale of our children’s book, A Stay-at-Home Dad?, so don’t forget to grab a book on your way out! We give part of our profits back to working moms.
]]>First and foremost, I am a wife to Danny and mama to Gus and Oscar. My life as a mom is one million percent chaotic, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the pitter patter of tiny feet running through my house, hearing Mama! screamed for the hundredth time in a hour, when my son moo’s outside of my office door while I am on work calls, and the big warm smiles that greet me at the door when I come home. It was a joint decision between Danny and myself that he would stay at home and raise the children while I pursued a fulfilling career outside of the home: My stay-at-home dad.
We were so proud of our decision to create a life where our children were able to grow up with their dad at home with them, but we struggled with the judgment and rude comments people made regarding our familial situation. Even after we told the world that Danny would be quitting his job, many people would continue to ask me when I was going to quit my job and stay home with my baby (thus making me feel inadequate as a mother).
I wanted so badly to see a change in the workplace or, even better, in the world. I wanted to see competent and capable women being promoted, and have it be based on their merit rather than to fulfill a quota. I wanted women to be paid properly for the job they were doing. I wanted to empower women to stay in the workforce, knowing that they can have a rewarding career and raise a family. I wanted equality for people of all genders, races, religions, and sexual preferences. I wanted it to be ok for a woman to be the breadwinner and have a strong male supporting her by helping raise their family.
I am a working mom, a boss, and I have a stay-at-home husband who fully supports me. I turned my frustration into passion and found a fun way to educate the world about the difficulties of being a stay-at-home parent and that a stay-at-home dad is a real job. I believe the best way to curb this judgement is to educate, so I decided to write a children’s book. A Stay-at-Home Dad? is the first-ever children’s book about a stay-at-home dad. This is a fun way to show kids that it shouldn’t matter who stays at home with them – whether they go to daycare or a family member watches them during the day, all that matters is they are safe and loved. I hope to teach people that being a working mom and pursuing a career doesn’t make you a bad mom, and being a stay-at-home dad isn’t an emasculating role.
My Instagram page @pregnanttopromoted and blog supplement my overall mission of keeping women in the workforce by talking about my struggles and successes within the business world. I hope to show women that their careers aren't over just because they had a baby. I will talk about the struggles that I, a working mom boss, have endured. I want to show them that they can expect, fight, hope, and dream for more. I hope to convey the message that, if they work hard and are passionate, they can move up the corporate ladder even after they return from maternity leave. I want women to recognize that we are in this together, that there is room for more than one female at the top.
Even if I only help one female this year, I believe that I will be successful. Just to be clear, while my goal is to help females grow within the workplace, I still want to help anyone who needs it. In order to be successful in any corporation, both men and women have to learn to work together and mutually respect one another. That is one thing I have always struggled with: if we are working together for the success of the company, why does it feel like we are on opposite teams? This question and many others are topics that I will work to address throughout the year.
In order to physically give back, I will use part of the profits from my book to give back to working moms – No matter if you choose to go back to work or have to because that’s what makes most financial sense for your family, it is always tough to leave your littles with someone else. Please, please, please keep a lookout for giveaways on our book's Instagram business page @frecklefacedgus.
For now, I’m sending you some magic for this new year! I hope you will join me on this journey. I pray that I am able to help you. If you are looking to give back, please consider purchasing a children’s book: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
Wishing you the most joyous 2022. I can’t wait to meet you!
xoxo,
Britt
]]>With New Year’s Eve just days away, I’m reminded of how many people are starting to prepare their resolutions for the coming year. Some would call it pointless, others justify it as a means to “start over”. It’s almost as if this one night serves as a beacon of hope for people to achieve their dreams: losing weight, finding a new job, doing something they love, traveling, finding love - whatever it is, how can you criticize someone who hopes for more despite their many struggles?
I, too, hope for more in many aspects of my life. It’s because I’m driven, incessant, persistent, and, despite those qualities, there are days where I feel like an epic failure. Like so many moms, I have days where I hope to simply show up and be able to physically put one foot in front of another to get to my location. As a mom, I wish that I sometimes wouldn’t be so short tempered with my children. As an entrepreneur, I wish that I was better at selling my own product. As a corporate business woman, I wish that I would handle certain situations differently. In a world where we are moving towards a “life for moms who don’t have to do it all”, I still sometimes feel like I have to do it all. And I definitely act out (e.g. tears, anger, etc.) when things don’t go as planned. So what can we do about it?
I follow a woman on Instagram, her handle is @drbeckyatgoodinside, and, I’m telling you, she really does make you feel good inside. She is a parenting psychologist who helps the moms of Instagram. She is a no-judgment, lets-talk-through-problems, everyone-has-feelings, we’re-all-working-through-shit, now-lets-figure-out-how-to-talk-through-it kind of mom. It’s not easy to admit that you are struggling and somehow she makes my worst mom (and professional!) days feel like I am not doing so bad. I believe a lot of what she says, though directed at our families, can and should be applied in a professional setting (Maybe I can get her to do a collaboration with me one day 😉).
Back to the topic of struggles and how she can help us professionally, here is what I mean:
Communication
Dr. Becky talks about children not being afraid of information, but rather the absence of information. I think the same holds true for adults - We are most fearful when information is withheld from us. It causes our minds to gravitate towards the worst-case scenario. Of course, as bosses, we recognize that there are situations where we cannot divulge information. But that doesn’t mean this should become a best practice. If you are wondering why an employee is acting out, I ask you, “Did they just get turned down for a promotion without any feedback? Did you bring in a team of consultants for a project and not communicate their purpose (most people assume consultants are there to “clean house”)? Did you give someone on your team new responsibilities that someone else had hoped to receive? Or maybe something is going on in your employee’s personal life.”
Whatever the reason, you might be thinking that the employee is ungrateful or their feelings are misplaced. I can assure you it is neither. Even as adults it is so important that we are effective and proactive in our communication, even if we think it will hurt someone else’s feelings. Why? Because when we don’t, this causes unnecessary confusion and frustration to spread in our organizations. This is when people act out or perform poorly, neither of which is good for the organization.
Ungrateful Employees
Let’s come back to that point about ungrateful employees: Dr. Becky says that we don’t feel “un” feelings. Ungratitude is not a thing. People are most likely experiencing big, dysregulated disappointment. For example, if I was hoping to receive a $15,000 raise with my promotion and I only received the standard yearly 3% increase, I might feel slighted. I might feel a strong sense of disappointment that my new title, responsibilities, and job function are not valued the way that I (or the market) feel they should be.
I can tell you from personal experience that I have received a promotion with a zero dollar pay increase and it is disheartening, unmotivating, and genuinely disappointing. The next time that you have this thought about an employee, take a step back and try to see the situation from their perspective - How would you feel if you were passed up for a promotion and you didn’t receive feedback as to why? How would you feel if you received a promotion with greater responsibility and little to no salary increase? You might feel disappointed. Once you put yourself in their shoes, you might be able to find a communication style that will help them hear the reasons behind the message that you are trying to deliver.
Managing Meltdowns
I’ll just quote Dr. Becky directly here: “Better than learning how to manage during a meltdown is learning what we can do in advance to stop a meltdown before it starts.”. I bet you have never thought of an adult having a meltdown, that word is typically reserved for children. But take a step back and think about the many tricky moments we, as managers, have to maneuver on a daily basis. We deal with the thoughts, emotions, and actions of all of our employees, which can sometimes seem irrational to us. What can we do in advance to stop an adult meltdown before it starts?
Think about an employee who has applied for a promotion, someone who hopes for more in their career. They have the necessary work experience, skillsets, and are excited to take on new responsibilities…. But their coworker applied as well. You can only choose one and both have similar levels of experience. It takes very little effort on our part to sit the both of them down to talk about how difficult the decision is given their similar backgrounds and what the future will hold for the team once the promotion is finalized.
So often we view something like a promotion as a competition with our colleagues. What could it look like once the decision is made? How will the two of them work together? If your coworker gets a promotion that they wish they had received, remind them how well it speaks to their character if they openly support that individual instead of tearing them down. Let them speak openly about their feelings surrounding this. “Talk through the tricky moments to come so that you pre-regulate by planning and practicing coping skills that they can draw from in a tough moment.” (@drbeckyatgoodinside).
Remember: The new year does bring hope. So as we head into this new year with our big aspirations and learn to regulate our feelings surrounding any disappointments to come, let’s remember that we are not the only ones with dreams. We are not the only ones who struggle at times. Our employees are people, too. Don’t forget they have their own sets of feelings. They have their own set of goals. And we are all just trying to do our best. So if you are wondering why a colleague or employee is not acting like their usual self, take a step back and see if they can help you understand what they are going through and/or how you can help them achieve their goals or work through a personal struggle.
If you enjoy my blog, please consider giving back to working moms by purchasing a children’s book: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
]]>For me, Christmas has always been a magical time of year: The season of giving, generosity, and cheer. The smiles, hugs, and warm greetings you see as you pass others on the street. It’s people opening up their homes to loved ones, celebrating the birth of Christ, singing joyous songs. And if a blanket of snow gently lays itself on the front lawn, well, my heart will grow three sizes. But this year is different. This year I am struggling to get “into the spirit”.
I thoroughly enjoy forcing my kids and husband into cute outfits so that we can have one family picture taken each year that I am also a part of (Moms are usually behind the camera). It brings me to joy to find the perfect present for someone and watch them open it. I can’t wait for each morning to put on Christmas music in the kitchen and dance around with my boys. I love taking a full day to bake Christmas cookies so I can make peanut butter cookies and stuff multiple Hershey kisses on top (For those interested: 3:1 is the perfect kiss to cookie ratio). If I could one day have a mound of perfectly wrapped presents under my tree (you know, like those Pinteresters do), I would feel like a champion. I haven’t done any of that this year. I’m actually surprised our tree is even decorated.
I am in two family Secret Santa’s and I can’t bring myself to finish buying their presents. I have a box full of gifts for my boys and I can’t manage to find time to wrap them. I haven’t baked Christmas cookies, and honestly don’t want to. We never took a family picture for a Christmas card, but I cringe at the thought of not sending one out. I’m struggling to even think about Christmas when I know that so many families in our Community are struggling.
I’m certain the headlines about the deadly school shooting in Oxford, Michigan, made its way to your preferred news channels. I would like to say that, for us in Michigan, this is too close to home. The reality is that, for anyone, this is too close to home because something like this should never happen. This shooter did not just change the lives of those eleven individuals and their families, but his actions impacted the entire community in so many ways. We have had over two weeks to process this, but I think we will need a lifetime or two to fully understand it.
I try to imagine what went through those children’s minds as they locked classroom doors and weaponized themselves with scissors, calculators, anything they could to attack Ethan Crumbley should he happen to make his way inside their classroom. Imagine how scared Tate Myre must have been as he charged his schoolmate to try and wrestle the gun from him. What courage that kid had. Imagine what bystanders must be going through as they constantly relive the memory of watching their classmates get shot.
Am I dwelling on this? Maybe in some moments, but how can we not? My heart goes out to any parent who has a child in school and is now fearful of putting them on a bus everyday. My heart aches for the families of those impacted. Honestly, I have so many emotions around this I’m not always certain how to articulate them. But one thing remains steadfast: So often, but this Christmas Season especially, I’m reminded that the only important thing is the precious time I am able to spend with my loved ones.
As I figure out what I can do to help these families in our community, I know that I still need to be here for my family. I will go to our family cookie day so I can watch my nephews and boys cover themselves in frosting and sprinkles that can only be removed with a fire hose. I will ask my husband to spend an evening with me wrapping presents after the children go to bed. I will try and think of gifts for my Secret Santas that allow me to spend more time with them. (Forced Family Fun??). And I will say, Screw it!, to Christmas cards and not feel like a bad mom. Wherever you choose to spend your time and energy this Holiday Season, remember that life is so precious. Please cherish each and every wacky moment with your crazy family - it doesn’t get any better than that.
]]>Work. Being a wife. Raising our children. Hosting Thanksgiving for 20+ people. Coordinating pictures for a Christmas card. Actually ordering and sending out the Christmas cards. Buying Christmas presents. Cleaning the house. Prepping food. You name it, it feels like we are trying to juggle the world as the holidays (quickly!) approach. It’s exhausting. The list itself is so daunting I don’t even want to start it. Why? Because, as women, we often feel as if every one of these tasks falls on our shoulders. I’m here to tell you that if we want to see change in the world (especially in the home life), then we need to be a part of that change. As you head into the holidays, take a few of these tips into consideration:
1. Delegate
I listed above a tiny sliver of what might need to get done around the holidays. When my husband and I host, I have a discussion with him beforehand. Why? Because we are hosting, not just me. He married into my family and I married into his, so it doesn’t matter whose family is coming over. If I don’t get the help that I need then I know that I mentally can’t handle the stress of hosting the Holidays at our house in the future. So here is what a conversation could look like with my spouse:
“Danny, if we are going to host Christmas this year, here is a list of what I need done in order to feel comfortable with this and not have anxiety about so many people coming into our home. I can’t do it alone, so I’d like to talk about who is tackling which tasks and by when they need to get done.” Then I show him the list and we split it up line by line. I tell him what my expectations are (quality and timing) and then let it be. We hang it on the fridge and cross things off as they are completed. We review the remaining items a few days before our families arrive and make time to ensure each of us has time to get what we need done.
2. Don’t micromanage
I can’t tell you how many times I tried to tell my husband how to be a better dad when we first brought our son home from the hospital (without actually using those words). I desperately wanted to do everything perfectly, because I just wanted to be the perfect mom. I was so worried about being judged by others that I often found myself standing over my husband's shoulder and dictating to him how he could do everything better.
I failed to realize throughout those first few weeks that perfect looks different for every family because every baby has a different set of needs and, to be frank, there is no such thing as perfect. When I stand over my husband's shoulder I am just causing more stress on our relationship instead of enjoying the new moments as a family. If I were to go to work everyday and have someone stand over my shoulder constantly informing me what a sub-par employee I was, I would be unmotivated as well.
So when we talk about the holidays and ensuring certain tasks get done, it’s important that we remember there is no such thing as perfect. Don’t stand over your spouse’s shoulder telling them where they missed the dirt. If you want them to help you and you have set your expectations with them, then you have to be ok with their version of how things get done. Remember: just because they do things differently, doesn’t mean it is wrong. (For most of you, this directly applies to how a dishwasher is loaded, a bed is made or towels are folded ;) ).
3. Remind yourself it’s ok if things don’t get done
If you are standing around last minute and you realize you have 14 piles of laundry all over the laundry room floor, my advice to you is to close the door and leave it be. Holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and, if laundry doesn’t bring you joy, then keep it out of sight and out of your mind. If you are in a time crunch at the last minute then take a deep breath and review your list - What are you ok with not getting done? Then remove those items. And then tell yourself: “It’s ok if my floors don’t get washed. Kids are dirt balls and they are going to destroy them with their crumbs anyways. I’ll wash them once everyone leaves.” And then be ok with it. Because it will be ok.
4. Don't take the criticism
I have a good friend that I go to when I am angry about certain topics, especially when it comes to my kids or even addressing family members. She approaches frustrating topics in a much healthier way than I normally would. In an effort to model her healthy behavior, I will vent to her, she tells me how she would handle it, and then I tweak it to ensure it feels natural to me (I keep telling her to start a blog, hoping one day I can convince her ;)).
Something she said recently really resonated with me. She told me that when her family members or in-laws criticize something about her children or her home then she says something like, “Being a mom and wife is really hard work. I had a huge list of things that I wanted to get done for this Thanksgiving and I wasn’t able to complete it all. I’m just trying the best that I can.”
Think about that for a moment and imagine you were receiving that comment. Imagine how much nicer that comes across than if you said, “Well if Jack’s mom would have taught him how to wash floors or do laundry then maybe I would have a clean house right now. But I don’t have that luxury because he doesn’t help.”. I guarantee you the former comment is a lot more humbling and will add much less fuel to the fire than if you take a stab at your mother-in-law.
Wherever you are this holiday season, please remember to be kind. Everyone is doing their best. If you are like me and need a certain level of cleanliness to host, then remember to solicit help from your family members. You are not in this alone. It shouldn’t matter if the bathroom is spotless or the floors are so clean you could eat off of them. What matters is spending time with loved ones because our time here on this earth is so precious.
]]>I have the Hulk living inside me. Usually he sits there dormant, but when I feel something is unjust (a policy, the way someone is being treated, or otherwise), he grows to his mammoth size and muscles start popping out left and right - I’m ready to fight. But I can’t fight for everything, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to get my job done. That’s why I only let him out in certain situations. So how do you know when to fight and when to stand down in the workplace?
I’ll use the example of an inadequate maternity leave policy (something I am very passionate about). This is not an easy policy to change, especially because, amongst other things, you are talking about reallocation of company funds and an intense approval process. Let me talk about a few factors to consider as you decide which battles are most important to fight:
Know your political capital.
The amount of political capital that you hold in an organization is not finite. Your position, tenure, and proven capabilities will determine your level of clout. If you are passionate about many workplace issues, then it might be time to prioritize them.
If you spread yourself too thin on many small topics, you might use up all of your capital on trivial issues and have nothing left for the things that truly matter to you. You’re playing the long name, not the short one, so you need to be calm enough to recognize whether or not your current frustrations are more important than your long-term relationships.
You also want people to work with you on topics that you are passionate about. If you start fighting every policy or addressing interpersonal issues then your colleagues might think you are looking for a fight. Instead of wanting to collaborate with you, they might avoid working with you altogether.
Understand both sides.
It is always a very humbling experience when we, as humans, accuse someone of doing something that they didn’t actually do, and then watch as that person puts us right back in our place. If you are going to stick up for someone or something, I would implore you to first get your facts straight. Otherwise, it is like unknowingly trying to convince a Democrat to become a Republican when you don’t even know where they stand politically in the first place. It’s exhausting and a waste of your time.
If I use my example of a maternity leave policy, it helps to understand from the company’s perspective what the tax benefits and costs are to implementing a new policy, and also why they have yet to change the antiquated policy in the first place. On the flip side, it’s also ok to educate. In this instance, you can calmly explain why a maternity leave policy is so important to employees.
As always, I encourage you to come with facts. In this specific situation, I researched the maternity leave policies for 5 of our competitors and 5 of our clients and then benchmarked our company against them. I looked at the ratio of males to females in our organization and studied our D&I initiatives. Why? Because if you are going to fight a battle, you need to know where their weak points are, and also where they are going to try and hit you hard.
Bring a solution.
If you have a problem, think about what a potential solution might be. If you are passionate about an issue but don’t have an immediate solution, then talk to some people in your organization that you trust. Bounce ideas off of them and ask them to help come up with a solution. Why?
If you only come with problems then it comes off as if you are complaining. If you show up with solutions then it appears as if you are invested in the improvement of the organization. Show your company that you are an agent of change, not complaints.
Don’t fight alone.
Do you think that when I went to Management and told them they needed a new policy that they responded with, “Yes, Brittany. How many weeks would you like us to offer?”. Absolutely not. I had to work to stand my ground, demonstrate the importance of this initiative, and get other people on board. Each individual is working to fight their own political battles in the organization. Sometimes it takes a little convincing to show others why they should join your cause. Of course, the magnitude of the issue will dictate the level of support you require. You can’t fight a war standing alone, so make sure you have the support from your colleagues as you enter battle.
Your innate ability to discern any given situation is something that you should heavily rely on. Only you can know what is important to you and where you want to spend your political capital. Don’t complain about something you aren’t willing to do something about, and make sure you expend your energy on topics that align with your goals. You aren’t here to resolve all of the problems in Corporate America, so choose your battles, don’t fight them all.
If you enjoy my blog, please consider purchasing a children’s book to give back to working moms: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
]]>They hear you but don’t listen. They brush over your ideas and then declare similar ideas minutes later. You are expected to be “on” at all times. Every action, every emotion, every deliverable is heavily scrutinized. One wrong move and your whole “group” is stereotyped as too emotional or incompetent or (fill in the blank). It is exhausting. When they say, “It takes a village.”, they never use it in the context of getting through the workday. But it does. It takes the support and encouragement of others to succeed, to get to the top and be able to pull others up with you (as opposed to pushing them away from you).
As I reminisce of the times where I felt invaluable, as if I didn’t have a voice, and was completely alone in a room full of people, I am reminded why I felt that way. Today I want to talk to a few lessons I have learned throughout my career. Let’s take a look:
Being diverse is an asset.
Group think is a very real phenomenon where creativity and unique ideas are left to die. You should never underestimate how important your presence is. You bring a diverse perspective to the business situation and your voice should be heard - even if it is different. I know that I have personally struggled to make my opinion known in situations where I had the exact opposite idea than everyone sitting around me. So let me ask you this: How can you grow your business or become the best that you can be if you haven’t heard every idea? You can’t. You simply meet the status quo and, for me, that’s not good enough.
Whether you have two years in business or twenty-five, I guarantee that you have different experiences than those around you. You have worked in different organizations, executed different processes, interacted with people of varying experiences, most likely went to a different university - All of those different experiences brought you to where you are today and allow you to think in a different way than those around you. You are going to look at and solve problems differently. You are you, and that’s as different as it gets. Trust your intuition when it comes to addressing problems or talking about new ideas and don’t be afraid to speak up.
Here is an example: I briefly worked for an IT company and I know very little about IT. In that short time, I noticed that one of the founder’s accounts was deleted. He no longer worked at the organization so it wasn’t completely crazy, but my gut told me something was wrong. I went to the office of the IT department and told them what had happened. They were annoyed that I was in their office and brushed me off like some little girl who was trying to gossip. Frustrated, I went back to my desk and a few hours later I got a call from the CTO. It turns out the site had been hacked and they spent 3 full days (working around the clock, sleeping at work) fixing the code to ensure they were no longer susceptible to hackers.
My point? I have no experience in IT and the entire IT department sent me back to my desk feeling like an idiot, but it turns out something was wrong and speaking up saved our company from a lot more damage. It doesn’t matter how much experience you have. If your gut tells you something is wrong or that you have a solution to a problem or a great new idea, speak up. If you can’t find your voice, then find someone that will help you find yours.
Find an ally.
I sat in a training once where we discussed gender and racial specific issues within the workplace and a gentleman spoke to one of those issues saying, “We don’t have that issue in our department.” One of his female colleagues spoke up and said, “Yes, we do. You are simply blind to it because you have never experienced it yourself.” Ouch! Unfortunately (and not rightfully so!), so many are oblivious to what’s going on around them because they have never experienced it or no one trusts the individual enough to raise the topic. They don’t realize the struggles their colleagues face around them. They can’t stick up for you if they are oblivious to the world around them.
It should never be women against men, whites against blacks, homosexuals against heterosexuals, but it is easy to feel segregated when you are the only person of your kind in the room and you don’t have anyone on your side. It doesn’t need to be you vs. them, but I encourage you to find an ally, someone you can open up to (not someone to bitch to, but rather someone you can be open with), so that you never feel alone. What does an ally look like in the workplace?
An ally is someone who recognizes their own privilege, works to understand the struggles that their underrepresented colleagues are facing, speaks out against racial comments and microaggressions towards underrepresented groups, and actively works to ensure that others voices are heard - Essentially, they are the change you want to see in the workplace. I always like to reiterate that, within any given organization, we are all on the same team. We should all be moving forward to ensure the company as a whole succeeds. While that may not always be the case, it’s important that you find people to sit in your corner. Why? Because otherwise people may try to walk all over you.
Don’t let anyone walk over you.
I can’t describe the number of times that I have started to say something in a meeting and someone has held up their hand in my direction to silence me and then spoken up over me to say, “Please let me make this point.”. Do you know that when you start speaking over someone who is already talking and make statement similar to the one I just mentioned, you are indirectly telling the audience that your point is more valuable than your colleague’s.
It’s easy to get angry, sit back and let it happen, but I implore you to assert yourself. Why? Because being meek will get you nowhere in business and bullies will continue to bully unless you stand up to them. (This also applies to calling out individuals who are stealing other people’s ideas).
What can you do in this situation? Oftentimes people are unaware of how rude they are being if no one brings it to their attention. If you can buck up the courage quickly enough, I would tell you to sit up straight, look the person in the eyes, and calmly say, “Excuse me but I was speaking first. When I am done speaking then I’m happy to give you the floor.”. Hunching over, speaking softly, and not looking at the individual in question makes you come across as uncertain, and people shouldn’t be questioning whether or not you deserve the chance to make your point.
If you cannot bring yourself to address this individual in the moment, then pull them aside after the meeting and say something like, “It’s important to me that you understand how you come across when you interrupt others in a meeting. Not only is it impolite, but when you speak over them you are sending the message that your point is more important. I’m certain that isn’t your intention but I encourage you to be aware of this as we move forward.”.
If you are watching a similar situation play out, then be the change you want to see and say, “Excuse me, Susie was speaking first. I would like to hear what she has to say. After she is done I would love to hear what you have to say.”. Sometimes it takes someone else in the room to address the situation to bring about change (hopefully this is the ally you made in step 2!).
Don’t be a “token”.
When you are so busy fighting for yourself, it is easy to expend all of your energy on fitting in that you isolate the group of people that are most like you or anyone else that doesn’t “fit in” to the mold. It’s as if you are doing everything you can to fit in the Boys Club that you forget to make allies or even neglect other voices that also need to be heard. There isn’t room for just you, the white female or latin male or black male…, so don’t be a token (fill in the blank).
At the end of the day, the ultimate goal of the company, every department, and employee should be to build a successful company. If you are truly invested in the company, then you should do whatever is in your power to help the company and your colleagues succeed because, whether they are male or female, black, brown, or white, they are not your competition, they are your colleagues. Your work family. If we are going to break down these gender and racial biases and barriers, then both men and women need to work together, not against one another.
Here is an example: If you are a black female, you aren’t competing against all other black females in the company for a promotion - so don’t shut them out of your professional life if you have a good working relationship. You need people on your team because it takes a village to be successful. There is most certainly room for more than one black female at the top If you have colleagues who are like you that are smart, driven, and have good ideas, help make sure their voices are heard. Be their ally and the change you want to see.
I have a friend, a woman that I have been in business with, and she is my cheerleader. Her name may or may not be Annette. She hypes me up to others even at times where she is struggling. Why? Because it’s not me against her. It’s not us against men. We are all in this together and she is confident enough in herself and her abilities to recognize that. I can tell you that success is so much sweeter when you have people cheering you on, so don’t isolate yourself.
At the end of the day, there is no playbook to fix all of the problems in Corporate America. These are experiences that I have to remind myself of when I am struggling. I do hope that some of these ideas help you find your voice and the village that you need to succeed. No matter your age, race, gender, always remember that these qualities should not define your success. Success should be defined as the way you use your strengths and resources to achieve the greatest possible outcome for the department and, ultimately, the company. So don't try and be someone that you are not. Be you. After all, that is your greatest quality.
Don’t forget to grab a copy of our children's book on your way out. We give part of our profits back to working moms: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
]]>As I walked through each day of my first week, my mind kept wandering back to a client situation from years ago. I had congratulated an individual on a promotion and was genuinely excited for them and their new role, but was very surprised at their less-than-enthused response. It turns out, the only reason they had applied for and accepted this specific role was because they knew that it was the only career change they would be allowed to make within the company. What do I mean by that?
The organization had certain interview processes in place that would allow a current manager to block a candidate in their department from switching to a role outside of their organization. Let me rephrase that: A manager can prevent an employee from moving into a role that they have applied for and want to be in. It turns out this disgruntled employee had applied to over five positions within the larger organization and was turned down from every single one because their manager was “blocking” them.
Managers, let me ask you one question: Why would you want to keep someone like that in your organization? Let me guess: You have an ongoing project that you believe will fail if they leave. Or, they are your doer and shit won’t get done without them. Or, you don’t have time to train someone else to be in this position. Whatever the reason is, you should be helping them transition to their new role instead of holding them hostage in your department. As I think about this situation, two main points resonate with me:
You are only hurting your department by keeping them there.
As Managers, we all have rockstars on our teams. Those individuals tend to go above and beyond and, let’s face it, they make you look really good. There may come a time when those overachievers realize how much weight they are pulling in an organization and start to get burned out or, even better, desire to take on bigger roles within the company.
I am a firm believer that happy employees perform their best work. If an employee is unsatisfied in your organization and they know you are preventing them from leaving, then they have no incentive to do anything more than the bare minimum. Why? Because they think you won’t fire them. Most likely they will bide their time within your department until they score a position outside the company. I always call this move, Playing your Ace.
Everyone has this card in their hand and, as Managers, we often forget it. If a good employee is unhappy in our department, then it is only a matter of time before they move onto something new. Shouldn’t we hope they seek success in another department? After all, the entire company is playing for the same team. Or is it better to work them to the point of no return and have them sweetly (as in revenge) lay that letter of resignation down on your desk at a crucial point in the project? You decide.
Try this instead:
Express your emotions surrounding the situation:
I’m happy for you that you are working towards something new to help grow yourself, I know you will do great! I am also sad that you will be leaving my team. You have done a lot of great work here, and I know it will be tough to fill your shoes. Is the start date of this new position set in stone or is that something you could be flexible on?
My concerns for the project are XYZ and I believe that if we could keep you on for XX weeks then we could mitigate those risks.
If they say Yes, great! If not, then thank them for their hard work and wish them nothing but the best. Then work together with them on a transition plan so that they can train a new hire or hand over their tasks to someone else in the department.
Everyone is replaceable.
I worked for a startup company early on in my career and put my heart and soul into ensuring people had a good culture experience within the company. I did my Job. I tried to go above and beyond. I cared about the people. On one of my last days, the head of Marketing said to me, “You did a great job. You should know we will survive without you. The company will move forward. Whether you want to believe it or not everyone is replaceable.”. Ouch!
As managers we may be thinking, “I don’t know what I would do without this person.” or even feel like our professional world is falling apart, but now it is my turn to remind you: They did a great job. You will survive without them. The department will move forward. People can always be replaced.
So as you react to this situation it is important to remember not to cast blame on the individual for leaving the company, as if they would be ruining the success of a project as a result. You might have big feelings surrounding this recent resignation, and that’s ok. I know firsthand how disheartening and frustrating it can be to have a rockstar leave your department. So I am here to tell you that it’s ok for you, as a Manager, to be frustrated that someone is moving on. You are a person with feelings and nobody can take that anger or frustration away from you.
You do have to be careful with what you communicate and how you communicate it. For example, I mentioned that it is not ok to tell an employee that they will ruin a project by leaving. If the success of a project is reliant upon one individual, then I would argue you have a much bigger issue at hand. It is also not ok to ignore them or treat them like dirt because they are choosing a different path.
Try this instead:
In these situations I encourage you to think of what specifically about this individual made them so successful within your organization. Was it their communication skills? People skills? Solution-oriented approach? Whatever it is, it is important for you to define them because those will be the types of skillsets you look for as you search to fill the position. I believe you can also use that to your advantage throughout the hiring process by also incorporating those skillsets in the Required field of the job posting that you have to create.
I will end this blog with a simple reminder to my managers: Make the decision that works best for your team. Having one less individual on your team is so much better for the team culture, even if certain tasks get tabled as a result. Having someone on there who is unhappy, negative, and spreading venom into the team is detrimental to your team. It’s ok to let people go. It’s good if you wish them the best, even better if you keep a good relationship — who knows, they might come back to your team one day with new experiences and skillsets, a strong advantage for you and the company.
If you enjoy my blogs, please remember to pick up a children’s book on your way out: A Stay-at-Home Dad? Part of our profits go back to working moms!
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I’m nervous. I’m soooooo excited! I’m freaking out. I’ve got ants in my pants and most likely won’t be able to fall asleep tonight. Will they like me? Will I like them? Will I be successful? My mind is moving at 90 miles per hour. It’s the night before my first day on the new job and my stomach is in knots. It seems so silly for me to feel like this, but the reality is: No matter how far along you are in your career, there is always some level of “excitement” when starting a new position.
If you are taking the plunge and starting something new, here are a few things to remember:
1. They hired you for a reason
The recruiter, interviewers, and hiring managers saw something in you the day you interviewed. They reviewed your resume and maybe even spoke to some references and they believe you can do the job - that’s why they hired you. So buck up, take a deep breath, and tell yourself you can do this! Your first day should have no room for negative thoughts, only thoughts of you believing in you.
2. Be yourself!
I have watched people take over a new position and try everything in their power to be the exact same as their predecessor. Just be yourself, because anything else is not natural. When you are so insecure in your role that you are mimicking the previous actions of your predecessor and/or constantly questioning your team how the previous individual would have responded, you don't come across as competent ... or genuine. Why? To your employees and colleagues it can look as if you are trying to be someone else. In fact, that is exactly what you are trying to do, which could leave them thinking they should have hired someone else for the job.
You weren't hired to be the predecessor, you were hired to do just as good of a job (if not better) than him/her. If you want others to follow your lead, then you need to be a leader, which you can only do by making your own decisions and confidently communicating the path forward to your team.
Companies are not just assessing your skill sets in an interview, but also your culture fit. They saw something in you that day that told them you would get a long with their team members, so they want YOU to be there, not some fake version of yourself. Just be you - trust me, you will be a lot more successful that way.
3. It’s ok to ask questions
As a manager there is nothing I hate more than someone telling me they understand an assignment when they don’t. Why? Because when it gets screwed up (and it inevitably will), there is so much extra time wasted on fixing things when I could have just used that time to find a new way to explain things to you in the first place. Yes, you want to show people that you are capable. Yes, you want to get shit done. Yes, you want people to value you. But you actually achieve the exact opposite if you pretend to know things that you don’t. Don’t lose the respect of others within your new organization in the first weeks because you are trying to show off.
4. Just because they do things differently, doesn’t mean it’s wrong
I find that when we step into new situations, we watch someone do something and cringe inside. We immediately assume what they are doing is incorrect, simply because they are executing it differently than we would. Take a step back and try to first understand why they are performing a process/task/etc. in that way. Why? You can’t improve something until you have the whole picture (as-is state). On the flip side, you might learn a new trick or two ;)
5. It’s ok to be nervous
I have a secret that I will reveal to my junior professionals: Many (if not every) senior professionals are nervous when they start a new position, make a new contact, or try to close a new deal. No matter how far along you are in your career, it’s ok to be nervous. Even if a senior professional takes a deep breath and puts on the face of a lion, they still might be churning inside, so don’t think you are alone. (They may not admit it to you, but that’s another story ;) ) I truly believe that growth happens when we are most uncomfortable, so try and see the excitement as something good for you. I hope that it means something good is headed your way!
Whether you are starting a new position, taking on more responsibilities, or trying to close a big deal: Always remember to be yourself. Your uniqueness is the best part about you, so don’t hide it away. Oh, and, good luck! I know you can rock this!
Our book sales make these blogs possible, and it also allows us to give back to working moms. Please don’t forget to purchase a book on your way out: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
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I use the term YOLO quite often, especially when I talk to myself (No, I’m not crazy ;)). I don’t use it in an ironic way, but rather because I need to remind remind myself that we really do only live once. Being unhappy isn’t an option. Telling myself one day I will complete something is never the answer. Seizing an opportunity when it presents itself is a must. I do this to give myself the courage to make decisions that are in my best interest, so that I take the leap to do whatever it is that I am afraid to do.
I recently interviewed with a company and, after every round of interviews, I thought to myself, “I need to work with this person.” And I kept saying that to my husband each time I met with a new person from this company. At first, I thought they must be putting their best foot forward until it became clear that these were simply the type of people they hired. I agonized over what to do even before I had the offer. I kept telling myself, “I have built good relationships at my current company. I have made a name for myself here. I’m comfortable in my role. Maybe they will offer me a better position.” That desire to work with those individuals never went away. And so I quit my job after almost 7 years.
I don’t want to talk to you today about my current company or the one I am headed to. I want to talk to you about resigning from your organization and a few of the different factors you should be aware of if you are planning on leaving yours. Later this week we will talk about this from the managerial position.
Are you ready to quit?
When I left a company in the past it was mainly because I felt that I had learned all I could from the people around me. Needless to say, I was always ready to leave. This time was a little different for me. This new company approached me and was able to dazzle me with their awesome team members so, for me, it was more of a question of why this company would be a better fit for me at this point in my career.
If you are going to take the step, you have to know why you are leaving. Is it in favor of this new company or to “get away” from your current company? Is it because you can’t possibly stand to see your current boss’s face anymore? Is it to learn from new people? Is it because you are hoping to use it as a negotiating tool to get a raise at your current company? (<— I would not argue in favor of this. If they offer to give you a significant raise at your departure then you were underpaid to begin with and I guarantee you don’t want to stay there.)
Whatever your reason, do it because it is in the best interest for you, and not because you are so angry that you can’t even see straight. I know there is the saying, “People don’t leave companies, they leave managers.” While I do believe this statement holds true for the masses, if this ever held true for me it was a contributing factor, not an underlying reason. I do my best to ensure that I never leave in such a fit of anger that I take whatever offer comes my way, because then I would be leading myself into another tumultuous situation.
So what does it mean to “be ready to quit”? This could mean a multitude of things; however, if you are looking for new career opportunities, to learn from new people, or simply do not believe the organization is headed in the same direction as you, then these are all reasons to start looking for a new role outside of your company. As you begin your search and start to think of where you want to head, consider what trainings you might need to better prepare you for a future role (and take them!). You don’t want to be angry heading into a new position, but rather model yourself after Bob the Builder and equip yourself with the tools you need in your tool belt to be successful. Figure out what those tools are and go grab ‘em, then we can talk about how to approach your company.
Is two weeks enough?
That question is going to depend entirely on your industry, your country of residence, and position in the company. In general, I will say that it is commonplace for you to give a two weeks notice. Anothing more than two weeks is generous on your part.
If you are angry with your organization it is easy to say, “If they were letting me go they wouldn’t be giving me a two week’s notice, why should I give them any notice? Please refer back to the burning bridges discussion of the previous section.
You always have to keep in mind that at-will organizations can walk you out the door the moment you hand in your resignation. This is a risk you as an employee incur. They are not required to pay you for any days you did not perform work. Whatever amount of time you give, you should be comfortable knowing they may walk you out the door.
How should you quit?
It’s takes courage to leave the comfort of a current position. Often times we need the support from others in order to take that big step, which means that we ultimately end up discussing this leave with our current coworkers. If I were your mentor, I would advise against this. Here’s why: People gossip. You have absolutely no idea who will say what to whom and who could be standing a few feet away. I would argue that you should give your boss the courtesy of informing him/her before the rest of the organization finds out. So what steps should you take?
First and foremost, I believe you should quit in person (or at least face-to-face via Teams). If you are old enough to have a job then you should be mature enough to look someone in the eye and tell them why you are leaving. Before you do so, make sure you:
- Have your letter of resignation completed and signed (Click here for an example on how to write a Letter of Resignation)
- Prepare a tentative handover plan to present to your boss. This will show that you have given thought to a seamless transition.
- Identify a few reasons you are choosing this new company and position.
- Schedule a 1:1 with your boss and make sure you are respectful.
Going back to the “people leave managers” comment: Even if he/she is the reason you are leaving you should not say that because it only casts blame on them. Relationships take two people and you are most likely leaving to be in a less toxic environment, so I encourage you to focus on the positives of the new role as you communicate your resignation: I’m being offered a position that will allow me to quickly grow into a managerial role. They are offering to pay for XYZ certifications so that I can become a subject matter expert. The company is also allowing me to work remotely, which is most important for me and my family right now.
I say these things because the last thing you want to do is gain an enemy in your industry - they are much smaller than you think! In German they have a saying, “man sieht sich zweimal im Leben.” Translated this means, you will meet someone twice in your lifetime. Don’t burn the bridge, it isn’t worth it.
Once the meeting is over, email your letter of resignation to both your manager and HR representative.
The Counteroffer.
Everyone has a price. No matter how much you hate an organization, everyone has a price that they would accept to stay. Make sure you know what that dollar amount is and accept nothing less than that dollar amount if you are willing to stay. If you know that you aren’t going to entertain an offer, it’s ok to say, “I respectfully ask that you do not counter.” But you should expect them to ask questions about what they could potentially do to get you to stay.
For me, in any situation where I have left a job, the questions the company asked were, “Are you sure this is new position right fit for you? Is this set in stone? Can we talk to you about a different position we have in mind for you?”. Keep in mind this is business. Even though individuals tend to get emotional, you have to look out for your best interest. You are not going to hurt someone’s feelings if you are respectful as you decline.
If you are doing the song and dance to try and get more money out of your new company, I ask you why you didn’t try and negotiate higher from the get go. In my personal opinion, if you are trying to pin one company against the other, then you should work on your negotiation skills. If you are joining a good company, they are hopefully offering you market value or higher. Is it really worth it to squeeze a few more dollars out of them and potentially strain the new relationship? I would argue No.
If you are struggling in a current organization figure out the reason for it, because leaving a company isn’t always the answer. Whatever decision you make, I hope it is one that will fulfill you. I hope you have found the courage to apply to new positions and find an organization that will make you happy. Don’t tell yourself one day, because life is too short to be unhappy. Seize the opportunity, and remember: YOLO.
]]>This is not something that has to be over-engineered, so I encourage you to be as concise and cordial as possible as you write your letter of resignation. Let’s talk through a few professional tactics to ensure you don’t leave any loose ends untied when you leave. These will also help build the basis for your letter of resignation.
1. Timing
First and foremost, you need to determine what your last is at your current company. Typically you should give a two weeks notice, anything more than that is generous on your part. I encourage you to take a week off between positions to clear your head and relax, but that is entirely up to you.
2. Develop a tentative transition plan
Pull together a slide depicting your different project deliverables and how you anticipate to hand these over to certain team members. This will show your boss that you have given thought to how this transition could be seamless for the organization. This might also give them incentive to keep you onboard for the next two weeks.
3. Know your why
People will ask why you are leaving a company, so you need to prepare a response. You may be leaving the organization for a much cooler company, but there are many other professional ways to communicate that. Tact is important as you communicate your reasons for choosing this new company. I would argue that if you are angry with your boss or at an organization, then you should talk about why you are choosing the new company instead of identifying any negative reasons for leaving the company (see Section 4 for more help).
4. Be careful what you say
Even if you are frustrated with your organization I encourage you to focus on the positives of the new role as you communicate your resignation: I’m being offered a position that will allow me to quickly grow into a managerial role. They are offering to pay for XYZ certifications so that I can become a subject matter expert. The company is also allowing me to work remotely, which is most important for me and my family right now.
I say these things because the last thing you want to do is gain an enemy in your industry - they are much smaller than you think! In German they have a saying, “man sieht sich zweimal im Leben.” Translated this means, you will meet someone twice in your lifetime. Don’t burn the bridge, it isn’t worth it.
5. Be thankful
Even if you are leaving your company because you despise your boss, you have still learned something - even if it is what not to do. Be grateful that you can take this new knowledge and apply it to your future business experiences.
Let’s take a look at what an example letter of resignation looks like:
Dear BOSS,
Please accept this letter as my formal resignation from my position as (position) at (name of current company), effective Month DD, YYYY (<— this is your last day at the company). I have prepared a transition plan for your approval, which will help ensure a seamless project transition. Please do not hesitate to let me know if there are any further ways I can help facilitate this.
I am very grateful for the past xx years – for everything I have learned, the connections I have made within the organization, and the growth opportunities the company has offered me throughout my tenure here. Contributing to the growth of (company name) has been an immensely rewarding experience for me and I want to thank everyone for the support they have given me.
I have decided to take a position within a startup company, where I will be afforded the opportunity to gain experiences in a variety of departments, making me a more well-rounded professional.
I wish (company name) nothing but the utmost success.
Sincerely,
(signature)
Your Name Here
Once you have a completed letter of resignation, schedule a meeting on your boss’s calendar and get ready to announce your move. I wish you a mountain of luck on your new adventure!
If you enjoy these blogs, please consider purchasing a children’s book: A Stay-at-Home Dad. We give back to working moms!
]]>Has it been fun? Yes! Was it awkward? At times, but I am awkward so that was to be expected. 😉 Did I expect to already have 300k followers and generate an income revenue of a few thousand a month? I had high hopes, but I did gain over 130 new followers that stayed (so I must have done something right!). Did I have to redefine success along the way? Most certainly. Did I have many tears? Yes, but I also had many laughs (mainly at myself and how awkward I am). Above all, I learned so many things, which is something I place a lot of value on in life.
Let me show you a few things I learned over the past year:
People will judge, let them keep judging.
As individuals we are scared to death of what other people will think of us, so it is excruciating to take a leap into the world of Social Media, the monstrous black hole filled with Bernie Sanders memes, fashion bloggers, pyramid schemes, all of which can be harshly criticized from behind a phone screen. I can tell you from experience that people will judge no matter what, and they will judge everything from what you’re wearing, to how close or far away you are from the camera, to what you are saying, to why you never include your children in the videos, allllll the way to why you always tag The Rock (😊 my personal fav)… you name it, people will criticize you for it.
But what people fail to realize is: If they are judging you, they are watching you. This equates to more traffic on your page, more video views, more everything. That is why I choose (most days!) to put myself in a more positive mindset: If people are judging me this means they are watching my videos/reading my blog and maybe just maybe they are learning something from me in the process (and that, in itself, is success in my book).
Not only that, but I have reflected on the, let’s call it, feedback I have received throughout the process to try and improve my product. While not everyone can deliver feedback in a constructive manner, it helps to take any criticism and work to understand why it is being given (there may be a hidden gem in there that will help you improve). So if you are scared to start blogging (or anything, really) because you are afraid of being judged, I encourage you to turn judgment into something a little more positive and a lot less scary. At the end of the day, if you have to tell yourself that they are criticizing you because they are jealous you took a leap of faith in yourself, then let that be the motivation for you to just take the leap.
I can’t even begin to tell you the harsh criticism I received for writing, publishing and printing copies of my children’s book - and I stand here proudly to tell you that my skin gets tougher with each piece of feedback. I have many successful months and others where I think, What the heck was I thinking? But I still continue.
Marketing is still not my strong suit.
I believe so much in what I am doing that I had hoped to sell thousands of copies of my children's book by now, but Marketing is an area in which I need major growth. I graduated with honors in my MBA, but Marketing was by far my worst grade throughout the entire program. One of the hardest parts for me has been trying to convince future customers that they do not need to know a Stay-at-Home Dad to purchase my book. I still struggle with this. You don’t need to eat green eggs and ham or know a wizard to enter into the worlds of Dr. Seuss or J.K. Rowling, and yet we gladly spend good money on these [awesome] books.
I also recognize that not everyone has to buy my book, because every family has their own budget and should be very purposeful with their money. I can respect that. On days where I am banging my head against the computer wondering how to encourage people to buy my book, I often say to myself, “What am I doing wrong? I’m trying to help women in the workplace. Our book has a good message, we give part of the profits back to working moms, and it isn't just for people who know a stay-at-home dad! Why won't you buy it to read to your kiddos at night?” If you can answer those questions, please DM me. I'd love the feedback.
I have to take a step back and realize that, yes, I do want to help, but not everyone is required or wants to support my cause - and that's ok! I can tell you that when you are very passionate about something, this is a hard reality to accept. So, I keep chugging along, banging my head and exploring new avenues to market my book. Don’t think I am doing it alone, I have had a tremendous amount of support along the way.
Unexpected people will come out of the woodwork to support you.
Over the past year, I have been able to reflect on the amazing people in my life. Be it the pandemic, my second pregnancy, or the launch of my small business, I have found support from many unexpected corners. It's amazing how people from various parts of my life have come back because of this new adventure. I think this holds true for anyone on any type of journey - there will be people that you expect to show up who don't and others who you never imagined who walk right alongside you.
One of the first people to buy my book was a friend from High School who I haven't spoken to in years (always loved her, but lost contact after HS). She now has two young children, a working husband, and just wanted to support me. She purchased the book and I have asked her to take pictures with her boys to promote on my social media. I am so grateful she came back into my life.
There are many examples over this past year that I could share of all the people who have helped me along this journey. I don't want to bore you with every detail, so I will say this:
Thank you to any and all of my readers for checking out my blog, I hope you learned something. To anyone that clicked on my reel or IGTV videos, thank you for suffering through my awkwardness, I hope you had a good laugh. To anyone that has helped me with the innerworkings of Instagram, I owe you at least a round of beers. For all of you that purchased a book, I appreciate you supporting our cause. To my sister, Jordan, who has taken an exorbitant amount of pictures for social media and served as my Technical Support for Instagram, thank you for being one of my cheerleaders.
And with that, we start a new chapter, a new year, and a whole new set of goals. I can’t wait to continue this adventure with you.
xo,
Brittany
P.S. If you enjoy my blogs, please consider purchasing a children's book that gives back to working mamas: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
]]>Do you follow any Instagram influencers or even celebrities that strut around in tiny bikinis at 9 months pregnant and only have a little basketball to show for it? And then, once the baby is Earth side, their bodies magically revert back to the 00 size they were before they got pregnant (but comment how they are struggling to “get back into shape.”). [Insert eye roll here.] I feel like they are taking over the internet. THAT is a unicorn. These individuals are mythical creatures with highly desirable bodies that are nearly impossible to attain. I never looked like them before I was pregnant and, yet, set my standards for how I need to look postpartum by using them as my measuring stick. And I’m miserable.
I am also starting to see many things pop up telling women to “wear the bikini”, “go in the pool with your kids”, “be yourself”, “love yourself”, “celebrate how amazing our bodies are (whether we are able to give life or not)”. It seems nice that we are telling the world what we should be thinking and saying, but the reality is so many are making comments that force women to focus on their bodies and less on the time with their littles. So let me take a moment and ask you to hold yourselves accountable for this change in culture, because I don’t always see or hear it actually being lived on a daily basis. I say this as I ask you to take a moment to look at the comments below:
“Are you sure it’s not twins?”
“You’ve doubled in size!”
“You look like you’re going to pop.”
“Oh, good job for losing the baby weight.”
“Wow! You look sooo tired.”
“Yeaaaaa, it’s going to take some time for your stomach to go down.”
“You are so diligent about working out I’m certain you’ll bounce right back.”
These are all comments my sister and I heard while pregnant and postpartum. As a society we have determined the steps a woman needs to take before, during and after childbirth in order to avoid judgment. We have allowed Instagram influencers and other celebrities to set the standards for what our postpartum bodies should look like and we use that to measure the postpartum success of our friends, coworkers and family.
I don’t care how close you are to the individual in question, I am here to tell you that none of these comments are ok. I urge you to think about what it feels like to have someone inadvertently tell you that they think you have gained so much weight that the only possible explanation for this phenomenon is that you must be carrying multiples. Or imagine what goes through a woman’s head a few weeks postpartum when someone tells her that it will take a while for her stomach to go down. Now add the rush of pregnancy or postpartum hormones and you have the cocktail for an epic meltdown.
I worked out until the day I gave birth to both of my boys. I worked out postpartum. I lift weights. I walk. I drink a lot of water. I eat healthy (but also indulge). Even after doing all of the “right” things, it still took me over 7 months to lose one pound after my first pregnancy. Imagine how enraged I was. I must respectfully say, “You do not know that a woman will bounce back.”, and saying that only sets another standard that a woman’s body might not be able to live up to and one that will take a mental toll on a woman if she fails to achieve it.
Whether or not I choose to lose the baby weight is my decision. I did not solicit your feedback on the matter, so please do not offer any comments. These comments make any woman who struggles to lose the maternity weight resent any woman who bounces right back. Every body is different. Every person is different. Every woman goes through her own set of struggles during pregnancy and postpartum. Not every woman can control the amount of weight she gains – even if she does everything correctly. Not every woman can control how quickly her body adjusts to a version of its previous state. Instead of celebrating women who have bangin' bods, we resent them. Instead of enjoying an afternoon out with our littles, we focus on how our muffin top looks in our jeans and we forget what is really important. It's not ok.
I implore you to stop commenting on women’s bodies. Instead of perpetuating the culture that equates physical attractiveness with a woman’s worth as a person, ask her how she is doing. Tell her she is a Rockstar. Ask if she is enjoying the baby snuggles. Ask her if she needs a break or a vat of coffee (or wine 😉 ). Even better: set her favorite coffee down on her desk, smile, and tell her how much you appreciate her. But don’t comment on her body.
If you enjoy my blog, please consider purchasing a children's book to give back to working moms: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
]]>Death - It's such a difficult concept for even the maturest of adults to understand. You would think with all of the death that happens in this world that we would have a better idea of how to cope with it, or even help our loved ones survive the loss of someone close to them. But we don't. So, today, I wanted to talk to you about my personal experiences and ideas for how you can support someone who recently experienced a loss.
I am touching on this topic because I went to a funeral yesterday for a 34-year-old man who left a wife and three kids behind. It was tragic to say the least. Every moment of the viewing and funeral forced memories back into my head of the time when my dad was sick and eventually died. I stood and watched as people awkwardly hugged the widow or offered her some story to try and relate to what she was going through. This entire experience reminded me that people simply do not know how to deal with death, so I thought I might use the opportunity to provide examples of things I believe could help.
I should warn you that my points are unabashedly honest. I recognize that anyone who shows up is just trying to be there for their friends, relatives or colleagues, but if we want to be effective in how we are helping, then we have to know where it is that we are falling short. Take a look at a few examples below of things I have heard people say/do while trying to support. I also provided suggested solutions for how we can help manage the grieving process. The truth is that there is nothing we can say or do to make things better, but we can make sure we are effective in how we are helping out.
"I know what you are going through."
Actually, you do not. I find that we try so hard to relate to others through our stories that we fail to realize their experiences are different. I do not care if your grandmother also had breast cancer or your grandfather also had dementia; you do not know what that person is going through, so you should not say that.
Here is why: My father died of a rare form of dementia while he was in his fifties. If your grandmother died from dementia at 93 then that is a completely different situation. While both are tragic, your grandmother lived a full life and my father left behind a child in middle school. Most likely you did not have to wipe her ass or pick her naked body up off the shower when she fell or assume any of the caregiver responsibilities that go along with it. It's not the same.
Here's what you could say instead: "My grandmother had another form of dementia and I know what kind of a toll this disease can take on a family. I recognize it isn't the same, but I do know there are many struggles along the way and I am happy to listen if you need to vent."
"Just let me know what I can do to help. I'm here for whatever you need."
You have to understand that when you say, "Just let me know what I can do to help.", this adds one more To Do to someone's long list of items they have to take care of. Now they have to figure out a way for you to help (and one that you will be comfortable with). Even though you are trying to do something nice, this can add more stress to the individual's life.
If you do continue to say, "I'm here for whatever you need", then be prepared that "whatever" gets asked of you. I can tell you from experience that I got fed up with hearing that sentence. I started telling people how they could help. I would offer up a few options: Something to do monetarily (i.e. buy a gift card to Costco), something they could do physically (take my dad for a few hours so my mom can get a break), and one other thing that we needed at that moment in time.
I would very matter-of-factly say, "Thank you for offering! We need a lot of help with yard work so if you want to come over on Saturday, we will be doing fall cleanup in my mom's yard. Or if you don't have time to help, I know she can always use a Kroger gift card." (Deer in headlights). The absolute shock that I saw on people's faces from the mere suggestion that they help (after THEY offered) proved to be quite a conundrum. I wasn't trying to be sassy - or maybe I was because I was struggling with a dying father and the realization that it truly does take a village. Either way, please do not offer your help if you are not willing to give it.
Here's what you could do instead (if you have time to physically help): Identify what it is that you are capable of helping with and just do it. For example, a widow may need her lawn mowed. Go over to her house and mow the lawn. Put up the Christmas lights. Shovel the driveway. Whatever it is, just show up, be there, help out.
Here's what you can do if you don't have a ton of time (and can financially afford it): Send a gift card to Uber Eats/Grub Hub/local restaurant so that he/she can endure one less night of cooking. If they have young children you could ask how to donate to their college fund.
Here's what you can do for a colleague: I encourage you to figure out what tasks you can take over for that individual so they do not come back to a pile of work and stress. Make sure their boss is in-the-know and that their project teammates are informed of their absence.
Here's what you could say (if you don't have time or money to offer): "I know there are no words to make this pain go away. Whenever you are ready, I would love to hear a story about your loved one. Sometimes talking about them helps to show that they are still with you in some way." Another alternative: If you happened to know the deceased, you could offer up a funny story about them and remind them that these little stories show what a great person they were and that they are still with you.
The most important thing to remember is: Don't make false promises. If you tell them you are going to come over to help wash windows, make sure you show up. They just lost a loved one, they don't need any more disappointments in their life.
It's not about you.
I can't tell you how many people I had to console at my father's funeral and tell them that everything was going to be alright. That's not ok. It's not ok to walk up to a widow and tell her you don't know how you are going to get through the passing of her husband.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with death and it is certainly ok for you to grieve. In fact, it is very much encouraged. But remember your audience when you are speaking at the viewing or funeral. Remember that the widow is doing everything she can to simply stand upright in that moment. The funeral should not be about how you are going to cope with the passing, even if it is a loved one. It's about paying your respects and being there for the immediate family members.
Flowers die, too.
Flowers are beautiful and such a sweet gesture. The tough part about this is that so many people decide to send flowers to the funeral home and, while that can fill a widow(er)s home up with very fragrant scents, they also die. And then she is sitting there with pollen all over her house and one more thing to clean up. So what can you do instead?
Flowers are expensive, so instead of spending your money on flowers you could consider buying a gift card for an experience for the family. What do I mean by this? If the family has kids you could consider purchasing a gift card to an outdoor ropes course or the movies (take a minute to find out what the kids like before purchasing). If it’s a mom and daughter you could purchase a gift card to a nail salon so they can get their nails done together. If the parents hate cooking it could be a gift card to a restaurant. We actually had a family put together a tree of gift cards for my mom so that she could go on date nights with our younger brother. It doesn’t have to be as extravagant as that, but I think you get what I’m saying.
Whatever you choose, the idea is to find something fun for the family to do. Get them to smile again. I find that, through death, we are reminded how precious time with our family members is. They will be on a long journey to cope with the loss, so every smile counts.
It's not over after eight weeks.
There is a point in time roughly six to eight weeks after someone dies where everyone forgets what you are going through. It's as if everyone expects the grieving period to be over. Let me tell you that it is not. People who experience the death of someone close to them will have their ups and downs for many months and years to come.
If the person that died left a spouse or children behind, imagine how alone they might feel once the chaos of the funeral dies out. Asking them what you can do to help throughout the funeral planning process will significantly overwhelm them. Everyone wants to help in the beginning. I encourage you to set a date on your calendar a month or two after the funeral ends to either send a gift card, help at the individual's house, or grab a coffee to check in on how they are doing. It doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg, sometimes a quality phone call can mean so much more.
I have a few friends whose fathers or mothers have also passed away. I make it a point to reach out to them throughout the year and ask them how they are holding up. I also put the anniversary of their parent's death in my calendar and set a yearly reminder so that I am reminded they might be especially struggling throughout that week/month. If they are a colleague of mine and I see that they are struggling, I tell them what I can take off their plate to help manage their stress.
I know from experience that death can be awkward to deal with, especially as an outsider looking in. We fight so hard to say the right thing that we end up saying the exact same thing as the hundreds of other people walking through the doors of the funeral. If you truly want to help, then I encourage you to keep this page somewhere for safe keeping. Every death, every relationship, every grieving process is different, and it isn’t about saying or doing the perfect thing, but rather showing up consistently for your people and helping them in their time of need.
If you love my blog, please consider purchasing a children's book to support working moms: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
]]>Today I had to leave this little raccoon butt behind because it was my first day back to work from maternity leave. Surprisingly, the most excruciating part of my day wasn’t leaving my infant, it was watching my toddler, Gus, cry at the front door because I couldn't play cars with him. I knew it would be hard, but it was a different kind of hard than I expected.
I didn't cry because I had to go back to work, I want to be at work. In fact, I am a much better mother, wife, and member of society when I have a purpose outside of the home. I cried because I felt like I broke his little heart (and then he was distracted by waffles and my leaving no longer mattered). Every mom struggles with different aspects of returning to work from defining their new role or fitting into work clothes with her postpartum mom bod to dropping her newborn off at daycare. Whatever that struggle might be, we all have a different set of needs. What we shouldn’t have to struggle with is knowing whether or not we are needed in our new roles.
I would like to bet that most moms would have an easier time returning if work wanted us back as much as our kids want us to be home. It's amazing how the experience of coming back to work can shape whether or not you want to be there, how much you as an individual value the organization you are in. When you are welcomed back with open arms, when you have people who reach out and tell you they are excited to have you back and others who are continuously thinking about how you can further serve the organization, then you feel like you have a purpose for being where you are. I've told you before and I'll tell you again: People want to feel a sense of belonging. They want to know they have a place. It takes little to no effort to say, "Welcome back!" or to setup a 15 min touchpoint to discuss next steps.
I have started, stopped, revised, and rewritten this blog post more times than I can count. It’s not because this topic is overly difficult, but rather because I am doing my best to practice what I preach - and, yes, I also struggle on the daily to master certain solutions that I have for problems. After all, I am farrrrrrr from perfect. But this time it is different. It’s about me. It’s about my career. It’s about my children and loving husband. Next week marks my final week of maternity leave. I cried this morning as it hit me like a ton of bricks: I am entering the final stretch of my maternity leave, these last few precious days at home with my family.
I know that the stay-at-home life isn’t for me, but it’s still ok for me to know that I will miss my boys. Am I excited to go back to work? On certain days, yes. But I still have many worries. I worry about not getting enough baby snuggles. I am saddened that I might not have enough time to play cars with my toddler. I’m going to miss Gus’s excitement as he races me around the house on his school bus or Oscar’s big smile as he looks up into my face. And I remember that I will still have these moments, just less of them. I have spent so much time fearing what I will miss that I sometimes forget to be present in the moment.
I forget that my blog can be put on hold so I can spend time with my children, that I shouldn’t do both at once. I keep reminding myself that I don’t want my children only knowing me with an electronic device in my hands. When I go back to work I know that I can put my work phone in the car at the end of the day so I can shut off from my work day (but I also have to make a conscious effort to do so). I want my children to see my face and feel my presence. I forget that my kids shouldn’t have to fight for my attention. On the flip side, it is important to me as a professional that I do not half-ass my blog or my career. This feeling is a constant reminder that I need to be present in the moment in all aspects of my life. So what does this mean for me as I go back to work?
This means that when I am at work I am not constantly texting my husband or calling home to see what they are doing. This means that I have to trust that Danny has all daily activities, doctors appointments, meals, etc. taken care of and that I don’t need to micromanage every aspect of the day. This means that when I am home I am not constantly checking work emails or answering phone calls. If my child is sick and I am very concerned, then I need to take the day off and be at home with him. Or if I have a big deadline coming up then I need to be purposeful with my time: Work the hours that I can in the office, come home and spend time with my family (offline!) for a few hours, then hop back on once everyone else is in bed.
It is so easy to get distracted when our children are sick or a big life event takes place. I find that when I am in a big phase of a project that I end up doing both Mom and Working Mom tasks at once, because we know we are super moms and can handle it. The problem is that we then end up half-assing every aspect of our lives: Our children do not get the attention they deserve, we half listen to our husbands as they tell us about their day, and the people that are paying us only get 50% of our attention when they are paying us for 100% - all of this happens as we click away at our phones taking care of the other half of our lives and we get burned out. It’s not fair to anyone.
With more and more people going back into the workplace, my suggestion to you is to be purposeful with your time. Can the work call wait for your dinner to finish? Enjoy the chaos that is family dinner. Does the email need to be responded to while your child tells you about her day? They are dying to fill you in on their exciting news. Did everything that happened on Instagram this past Tuesday need to be watched while your baby is on your lap? Are you getting as much done at work as you could if you weren’t constantly checking in on Social Media or texting the nanny to see what the kids were up to? I find that when I channel my energy to focus on finishing certain tasks without distraction then I am a more effective worker. Easier said than done, amiright?! This then translates into more time at home with my kids and husband, all of whom (ideally) don’t have to fight for my attention.
I know that you are probably scoffing at me behind your phone thinking to yourself, “Yes, Brittany, it would be great if I could put my work phone down once I got home from the office.” Or, “If I didn’t care about my children then I would be able to refrain from texting my caregiver to find out how they are doing.” But, what if less texting throughout the day meant more work completed which then translated into more time spent with your family. What if putting your phone away once you got home from work meant that the time spent with your family was more meaningful (even if you had to hop back on once the kiddos went to bed)? Wouldn’t that be great? I know it would, that’s why I am suggesting it ;)
If you love my blogs, and I hope you do, please purchase a children’s book to give back to working moms: A Stay-at-Home Dad?
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